Joyful Expectation

I think Advent is my newfound favorite time of year in the Church. Lent and Easter are powerful and very very important, but the peace and joy of waiting for the baby Jesus pulls at my heart in a special way.

This year was the first time that I really got the meaning of Advent, thanks to God's grace and my amazing theology classes. It's not just lighting candles on a wreath for a month before Christmas. It's a mindset that we should get into in order to joyfully wait in expectation for the birth of Christ. It's climbing into the shoes of Joseph and Mary and prayerfully experiencing what they experienced.

Mary and Joseph must have felt such a range of emotions during her pregnancy. First, awe. Of God and His plan, of being chosen to be such a huge part of that plan. I'm sure there was awe in their eyes too as they looked down on their newborn son in the manger. Then most likely fear, of wondering if they were really following God's plan and if they would be ok. Fear of physical harm to them and their unborn child. Fear of what the future would hold, of where their son would take them and of what he would be like. I'm sure they also experienced the sting of shame, for they were a bethrothed couple already pregnant. Villagers must have judged them and looked down upon them. This must have been especially painful for Mary, who was spotless and without sin, to be judged as unclean. But they probably clung onto hope and trust- that they were truly waiting for the birth of the Messiah who would save their people. They went through sacrifice on their long journey to Bethlehem, both physical and emotional. Then, finally, I'm sure they had peace. Everything lay quiet that first night in the manger, with the light of the star gleaming down on them and radiating from their son's face, with the angels singing peaceful songs of joy, and with Mary and Joseph looking down on their beautiful sleeping child with love.

Advent is a time for us to focus on some of these emotions. Trust- that we trust the plan God has for us even if we do not know what the future holds or if it does not make sense. Hope- that Christ will come as a bright star in the darkness of our own lives and humanity as a whole to lead us to salvation. Awe- at the sheer ridiculousness of the Incarnation, and how amazing and good our God is to actually become one of us in all things but sin. Peace comes from this silent adoration.

Oftentimes during this Advent, I imagined myself as Mary when she was pregnant. She knew the Savior was inside her, that she was giving life to his humanity. She must have experienced such a bond with Him, such a deep unity. I imagined her silent adoration of her son in her womb, and the peace and joy that comes from that. I then started to feel this same peace and joy, knowing that Jesus is within me too. Instead of in my womb, He's in my heart. I can sit and silently ponder Him just like Mary. Especially in the Eucharist, when He is actually physically present within me. What a gift.

I think that it's no wonder that Jesus came to us as a baby first. He could have just popped up on earth one day as a full grown man if He wanted to. But think about it- babies give unconditional love. They evoke such peace and joy in the hearts of everyone who sees them. Jesus is Love. So it would only make sense that He would become Love incarnate in a baby to show us His love for us.

My favorite moment on Christmas Eve is at night when I'm falling asleep. In my house we put electric candles in the windows during Advent, and from Christmas Eve all through Christmas Day we keep them on. This means that I get to fall asleep in my room on Christmas Eve without having to turn them off. They create such a warm glow in the room, standing out starkly against the black night behind them. As I'm falling asleep I'm filled with a sense of hope and peace. They remind me of Jesus, who came as a light to the world in the midst of its darkness.

It's so sad how everyone is so busy during the month leading up to Christmas with shopping and other preparations that this gift of peace is left unnoticed. This opportunity to ponder Christ and wait for Him with joyful expectation is available to all. But Satan loves to distract anyone and everyone from peace and silence. I think that's why the holidays is such a stressful time for everyone- the true meaning has been lost. We've become so distracted with the things of the world that we forget about why we have this holiday in the first place.

So let's pray to Our Lady of Joyful Expectation and her husband Joseph, that we can all rediscover the peace and joy of Advent in our hearts.

Peter and the Storm

One of my favorite discussions in my theology of healing class was about Matthew 14 when Jesus walks on water:

"And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, saying, 'It is a ghost!' And they cried out for fear. But immediately he spoke to them saying, 'Take heart, it is I; have no fear.' And Peter answered him, 'Lord, if it is you, bid me come to you on the water.' He said, 'Come.' So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus; but when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me.' Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshipped him, saying, 'Truly you are the Son of God.'" Matthew 14: 25-33

This passage is packed with sooo many things. Yes, Jesus walks on water. Which is pretty friggin cool. But there's so much more to it than that. It can totally relate to the way that Jesus brings about healing in our lives, with the example of Peter.

Let's start at the beginning. Jesus came to them at the fourth watch of the night, which to the average fisherman of the time is known as the darkest time of night. He also came during a storm. Do I need the explain the metaphor of that one? There was a lot of unrest, a lot of fear.

Then the men in the boat see Jesus walking towards them on the water. You think they would have cried out in joy and relief. But nope, they get scared and think he's a ghost. This translates into our own failure to recognize Jesus during the worst of our storms in life. We are so consumed by the darkness, suffering, and fear that we don't see Jesus in all the ways He may be trying to help us. And if we do finally recognize Him, we may be even more fearful, because sometimes the suffering and sinfulness is less scary than the fear of the unknown. We don't know where Jesus will lead us when He comes to us.

Jesus is trying to tell us through this passage that He is there for us even during the fourth watch of our storms. He is not some distant God watching everything from heaven- He came to earth so that He could get messy, to go down with us into the bottom of our pits and meet us there. He wants to go down to the source of your pain, your sinfulness, and your wounds. He wants to be with you there in order to bring about healing. But we must recognize Him there first and allow Him in. This is sometimes the most challenging part.

This is the process that Peter goes through. He wants to go meet the Lord and embrace Him, and begins to walk out on the water. Everything is going fine until the storm gets worse, and Peter begins to be afraid. At this point he starts to sink and calls out to the Lord for help. How many times do we go through this in our own lives, when we think we're trusting in God until our storms get worse instead of better. Then we begin to sink, to be afriad, and to doubt in God's power. We question if He is hearing our prayers. But Peter needed this to happen to him. He needed to become completely helpless in order to fully surrender to the Lord and trust in Him. Once he calls out for help, Jesus immediately reaches out to him. Their bond is stronger now. Peter just went through the first steps of the ultimate healing, which is the re-establishment of our souls in union with God. Peter recognized his littleness and God's greatness, and accepted Jesus as Christ the Savior.

Then Jesus and Peter get into the boat together. The winds cease and there is worship, peace, and joy within the boat. Who knows if the storm actually calmed, or if the people in the boat just didn't notice it as much anymore. They weren't as affected by it anymore. When we finally let Jesus into every part of our heart, we allow Him into our boat. We let Him see our wounds and touch them at the bottom of our pits. We may still suffer, we may still go through storms, but we're now in it together with Jesus. We're not trying to do it alone. The storms blowing around us won't disturb us as much, because we have Jesus in our boat.

So don't begrudge Jesus for the storms. Maybe they needed to happen in order to ultimately bring about greater healing in your life. To help you grow in trust, love, and surrender. Always look for Jesus in the storms, because it is there that He is most present. Pray to St. Peter for his intercession, that he will help you bring Jesus into your boat.

Everything is grace

Everything is grace. No matter what the situation, there is always a chance to glorify God. There is always an opportunity to grow in holiness.

This outlook on life has been thrown in my face this week. And I love it. It puts a whole new spin on everything. I can't resent anything that's happened to me in the past, because it's been God's will for me and it is my path to Heaven, my sanctification.

It started with reading a book on St. Therese of Lisieux in my theology of healing class called The Context Holiness. It detailed her early childhood life with her family, and how these experiences had an impact on her emotionally and spiritually. Although she had many trials and sufferings growing up, they became the context of her sainthood. God took a bad situation and made it a chance for her to grow in holiness. He didn't take away the suffering, but instead dove down into it with her and molded her there. Therese was only healed when she experienced God at the bottom of her pit of suffering and pain. Then out of the ashes rose one of the greatest saints of our time. God doesn't take us out of the battle, but gives us the strength to remain in it.

With this all in mind, I had some amazing conversations this week with future household sisters and a professor that brought this concept into my own life. They helped me see that certain people or situations in my past that I have spent a lot of time resenting were actually gifts to me. How, you ask? Because they helped me grow in holiness. They strengthened my relationship with God. And through this I was purified. It is so amazing to look at your past this way. It frees your heart of so much anger, resentment, and frustration. Instead, it is replaced with a sense of peace, forgiveness, and acceptance.

"Joy is not the absence of suffering, but the presence of God." This is how some saints with the worst suffering have the deepest relationship with God and the most joy. Because for them, suffering is not an obstacle to praising God. We are all guaranteed suffering on this earth. But we can find our joy in Jesus Christ. When that happens, nothing can put out the fire of joy in our hearts.

"In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thess 5:18

Jesus was a guy..

Jesus wasn't a chick. That's how Fr. Dominic started out one of the best homilies I've ever heard. Women are beautiful and God created them for wonderful things, things that men can't do, but the bottom line is that Jesus was a man. He talked like a man, acted like a man, and looked like a man.

The Gospel passage for yesterday that Fr. Dominic was reflecting on was when Jesus is in the Temple driving out all of the vendors. He throws a fit, turning over tables and yelling at everybody to get out in order to purify the Temple. Many times people in our culture tend to reduce Jesus to a feminized male- they portray Him only as sweet, loving, and gentle and leave out the strong and protective side of Him. This is carried over into our thoughts about men.. men who are religious tend to be thought of as less masculine than those who do more "macho" things than pray and go to church.

In this Gospel passage, Jesus is anything but feminine. And it shows an important point- that it is ok for men to be aggressive in standing up for what is true and good. It is ok for men to have power and be protectors, because that is their vocation as men. Fr. Dominic really called the men on to finding their vocation as males and not being afraid to live it out. This clashes with another trend in our society, the feminist movement. Men shouldn't be fearful of living up to their masculinity in the face of women who will accuse them of being too powerful.

Now, should men abuse this power? No. Should they be 100% aggressive all the time and never have a sensitive or emotional side to them? Of course not. Men should look to Jesus as their model of the perfect man- He was aggressive when He needed to be, and sensitive in other situations. The times He was powerful was when He was defending what was good. And this is the unique gift that God has given to men. To be the protector, to be the leader.

Does this offend me in my femininity at all? Absolutely not. But a few years ago it might have. Since then I have found what it truly means to be a woman, and it is so freeing because I am finally living out who I was meant to be, in the role I was meant to have. To be equal does not mean to be the same. God created man and woman to be compliments to each other, to work with each other to do His work. This means that we each have our own unique roles.

One of my favorite things about mass at Franciscan is when we sing the mass parts. Usually, the musicians play songs that have both a male part and then a female echo. It is so beautiful to see the men taking control of their part and singing strongly, and then hearing the beautiful sound of the women's voices united together. Each gender has their own part, which comes together beautifully to create the whole song. Without one, the song wouldn't be complete.

So guys, remember... Jesus wasn't a chick.

The earth is crying out to us

The Earth is crying out to us, in the form of natural disasters, for us to change our ways. Just in Haiti alone, this past year has seen a horrific earthquake followed by months and months of aftershocks, a cholera epidemic, and now a hurricane headed straight for it. Around the globe, earthquakes, tsunamis, floods, and diseases have made their way into the nightly news almost weekly, it seems.

Why is this all happening? I am not God, or the Pope, or some living saint with divine revelation from God. So my opinion should be taken as that- simply an opinion. Personally, I think God is using these events to show us His power and show us the state of the human race. It is not the end of the world, but a little wake up call for us.

Before the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden, there was harmony in everything. There was harmony within the human person, between man and woman, between man and God, and between man and nature. Everything was in order and flowed smoothly. Man had dominion over all the created order, man and woman acted as partners in doing God's work, and most importantly man and woman were humbled before God, acknowledged Him as their Creator, and obeyed Him. Life was beautiful. The Earth and everything in it were living out life the way it was created to be by God.

Then the Fall happened. Adam and Eve disobeyed God, wanting to be like Him but without Him. It was the first sin of pride. As a result, the human race lost the grace of living in union with God. This disharmony set off all of the other disharmonies- God told our first parents that men would now have dominion over their wives, that men and women would desire each other over God, and that the earth would now be hard and painful for men to cultivate. The Earth was now pitted against man in disharmony. This is when things like earthquakes, floods, storms, famines, and diseases entered the picture of human history.

So why now is there an increase in all of these things? I think it's so God can remind us of our condition due to Original Sin. To remind us of our sinfulness, of our need for a Savior, of our complete dependence on God for everything, even our very lives. People in our world today have forgotten this; they have made themselves gods and cast off the need for "that religious crap." To be religious in some parts of the country and the world is a synonym for weakness, foolishness, and ignorance. So maybe God is letting the earth cry out to us, hoping we will hear its plea to repent and restore the harmony we once had. Maybe God is letting this happen so that we will realize our littleness and His greatness.

Let's answer that call. Through repenting with a genuine heart, we can regain sanctifying grace and restore that harmony that all of us were created to live in.

Silence

"Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19


I just got back from a silent weekend retreat with my household. It was so amazing and so beautiful. The theme of the retreat was this bible passage above, to imitate Mary in her silent contemplation of her Son. We were so blessed with the opportunity to have Jesus present in the Blessed Sacrament for a full 24 hours in the house we were staying in, thanks to Father Rick. It made the silence that much more full, to be able to sit and gaze upon Jesus the way Mary did all throughout His life.

It would be impossible to adequately describe the peace and sisterhood I felt the entire weekend. I was enveloped in the silence, just me and Jesus, but the house was also filled with 40 other girls. The silence was not awkward or oppressive- rather, it was peaceful and pregnant with God's love and mercy. We built community by sharing the silence together. I still don't know everything about each sister, but I felt like I really got to know who they are as a person just by being with them in silence. A sister later brought up a good point, that our natural ability as women is to understand people better through silence than through talking. It's our God-given gift, and it's how we understand our children as babies. It's how Mary understood the baby Jesus. Silence is not an absence of things, but instead is full of peace and divine communication with God in the heart.

The first night of the retreat I opened up to this passage from Proverbs 1:33: "But he who listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of evil." It was perfect for this weekend, perfect for our household's charism of spiritual warfare. It is in the silence that we can most effectively combat evil, because it's where we find God's peace and truth and love. That's why Satan tries so hard to distract us from this silence- once we're there, he can't touch us. It's harder for him to pull us away from Christ if we have a true, personal, and loving relationship with Him rooted deep in our hearts.

The more our souls are calm, the more we will reflect Christ like the sun on the surface of a lake. If the lake is choppy and there are a lot of waves, the sun will not be reflected. But if the surface is smooth and calm, the sun will perfectly reflect up from the water. It is the same with our souls. If we enter into the silence to calm our souls and detach from the waves of this world, we will more perfectly reflect Christ. Mary is the ultimate example of this, always pondering things in her heart and not letting the confusion or suffering of this world affect her peace.

On Saturday night we had prayer teams and Eucharistic praise and worship. As I was getting prayed over, the theme of light kept coming up. How a flower needs the fullness of the light to grow- it can't stay in the darkness. Many things happened to make this theme of light really stand out to me. We are all made to live in the fullness of the light of Christ because we are sons and daughters of God. If we always recognize this light that lives within us, no matter what suffering we encounter we will always have reason to praise God. We should try to avoid to the best of our abilities situations that starve us of this light, otherwise we will begin to wilt.

On Monday, everyone kept telling me that I looked beautiful or that I was glowing. I certainly didn't look my best- I was sleep deprived and not all dressed up. It was all the inner peace, joy, and love that I gained this weekend shining through to my exterior. I was radiating the newfound peace I had found in the silence. I was radiating Christ. On retreat we talked about why Mary is so beautiful. It is because she loves. It is because she most perfectly reflects her Son in her soul. I was experiencing some of this same kind of beauty. I don't know how long it will last, but I pray if I lose it that I will soon regain it once again.

The readings that day were all focused on the light vs. the dark, on letting the light shine through. I'm still learning what that means for me personally, but know that it's something that God wants to show me. And based on this weekend, I know it's connected to silence. "For you were once in darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord. Live as children of Light." Eph 5:8

"The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is PEACE." -Mother Teresa. It all starts with silence, and ends with peace :)

Crazy storms and Latin mass

This afternoon was so crazy! A huuuuuuge storm came rolling over the hill right before 4:45pm mass. I was outside talking to my sister on the phone, and noticed these really dark clouds moving pretty quickly towards campus. It started to sprinkle, and in about 10 seconds it had turned into a complete downpour. The wind was especially bad- a huge gust came barreling down the hill between the chapel and the academic buildings, picking up all of the fallen leaves into big whirlwinds. It was intense! God's power is so cool. Luckily I was right next to the chapel and could duck inside really quick.

The sound system in the chapel wasn't working, and the power flickered a few times. It ended up being a low form Latin mass, sung a-capella because there was no microphones or organ or guitar. There weren't a ton of people there, so it was this quiet, peaceful mass said in a beautifully rich language in the middle of a big storm outside. It was so cool, and I couldn't help but thinking that this is what it might have felt like to go to mass in the early Church. The threat of storms and persecutions lurked outside, but nothing could take the peace away from the building or catacomb where the mass was being said.

It really made me realize how alive our Church is- we are saying the same prayers that the 12 Apostles said. Receiving the same Eucharist. Even possibly singing the same hymns. Our Church is not some thing of the past, which we just look at in a historical perspective. It is alive and breathing, right now, and has been for over 2,000 years. I felt some of this same idea when I was researching for a theology paper the other week. I had to interpret a passage in the Old Testament, and was looking through these huge, fat, dusty books that looked like something out of Harry Potter. I felt strangely connected to all of the theologians of the past, who had sat there and gone through the same process as me (except with a lot less resources!). Theology, like the Church, is alive and breathing. Just like Christ is alive and breathing in each one of us.

Poverty

Last night in my sociology class we talked about world poverty. I have seen poverty up close and personal, but some of the statistics my professor gave still blew my mind:

-In the United States in 2008, 13% of all Americans lived under the poverty line. While children make up 25% of the total population, they make up 35% of the poor population. This means that 14.1 million children in America are considered poor.

-Almost half of the world (over 3 billion people) live on less than $2.50 a day.

-The wealth of the 41 poorest countries combined is LESS than the weath of the 7 richest PEOPLE combined.

-1 billion children around the world live in poverty.. which means 1 in 2 children around the world are poor. 640 million live without adequate shelter, 400 million have no safe water, 270 million have no health care, and 10.6 million died in 2003 before they reached the age of 5. That's approximately 29,000 children per day.

-At least 80% of humanity live on less than $10 a day.

-The poorest 40% of the world's population accounts for 5% of global income, which the richest 20% account for 75% of it.

-In the United States, almost 100 billion pounds of food is wasted each year.

This is disgusting. If only we shared what we have and didn't live in excess, maybe the world wouldn't have to be this way. Yes, there will always be people who are poorer than others, but people shouldn't be living in this extreme misery when we are living the way we do here. Hopefully this inspires you to do something.. you don't have to go to another country to help someone. It can be someone in your backyard, at your church, in your town, in a city near you. As the holidays come closer, maybe consider donating some of your time and money to give back to those around you and share with your brother and sisters in Christ.

And, as always, pray for those who have too much and too little. That those with too much will be inspired to be generous, and those with too little will receive what they need to survive. We can even offer little acts like not wasting food, not buying something that you want but don't need, etc. to God as an act of solidarity with the poor. Our prayers can do more than anything!

"Children, it is not I who have brought this darkness over the world. It is you, by your sin and failure to serve. There is enough food in the world. There should not be hunger. Medical care, also, can be spread around in a more effective manner. Humanitarian assistance to your poor and less advanced societies is an act of mercy and those who practice it are following My will, whether they know it or not." -Jesus (Direction for Our Times, Volume I)

Precious Moments/INTENT!

I love precious moments, and this last week has been filled with them. I soaked each one of them in, hoping I will remember them for a long time.

The whole purpose I went home this past weekend was two-fold: there was a goodbye party for my friend Louis, who is one of the co-founders of Mission Haiti, because he is finally leaving for the seminary. After a long wait, he is now able to fulfill his vocation to be a diocesan priest in Haiti. I am so so excited for him and know that with our prayers and God's grace he is going to do amazing things in that little country! The second reason was because two very special Haitians were visiting Connecticut- Louis' brother Manno and Brother Delord, who is the spiritual director for the mission. This was Manno's first time in the United States, and I was so happy for him to finally be able to come here!

Precious moment #1 was seeing Manno and Brother actually standing right in front of me, dressed in warm American clothes, in an American front yard at Louis' party. I couldn't believe it! It was so surreal, almost like a dream. They are Haiti for me, so to see them outside of that context was such a big deal. It was like a piece of Haiti had come to me in the United States! I gave each of them big hugs and we just sort of stood there looking at each other and smiling, everyone in disbelief that this was actually happening.

Precious moment #2 was my parents coming to the party and getting to meet everyone who they've heard so much about. It was so amazing to have them get to experience the world that I've come to love. My passion for Haiti and my passion for my family came together in such a special way and it meant so much to me! I didn't have to choose between the two for this one day- I could enjoy both of them together.

Ashley and I slept over at the house where the party was, and as we were all getting ready for bed Manno came into our room to say goodnight. We asked him to sing us a song to help us go to sleep, and finally got him to sing one of my favorite slow, peaceful Haitian songs. This was obviously precious moment #3. If I closed my eyes and ignored the fact that we were all wearing sweatpants, I could have sworn we were in Haiti. It was so beautiful, and one of the sweetest moments of my life.

After getting back out to Steubenville, I found out that Manno was planning on making a visit here! Precious moment #4 was walking into the JC today after class and seeing him standing there with Katie. He does such a good job of blending in and making it seem like he's always been a student here. Wearing an argile sweater and jeans, it took me a minute to recognize him in the sea of students. We went to mass together and planned out precious moment #5.

Precious moment #5 was having Manno and Katie help me intent to Regina Angelorum last night. At Franciscan, there are things called households. They are sort of like Catholic versions of fraternities and soroities. Each household has a certain charism, and get together throughout the week to pray together, go to mass, and just call each other on to holiness. Regina Angelorum means Queen of the Angels in Latin, and is a household dedicated to Our Lady and the angels- especially St. Michael the Arcangel and our Guardian Angels. They focus a lot on spiritual warfare and imitating our Lady's virtues. I love this household so so much- I love Our Lady, and the spiritual warfare aspect of it really connects with my experiences in Haiti.

To intent to a household is like pledging. You come up with a creative way to tell the girls that you want to join, and then go through a period of prayer and formation as an Intent before you get inducted. I have known for about a week that I was going to intent last night at Rosary, but was still trying to think of how I was going to do it. I wanted to intent in a way that was special and would say something about who I am. Then I found out Manno was going to be here. God hit me with the idea- why not have Manno come and help me?? It would be a perfect way to intent- with someone who is so closely connected to my passion for mission work in Haiti, at my favorite committment so dedicated to Our Blessed Mother.

Manno, Katie, and I got to Regina's common room a little early and sat on the couch. After doing introductions, we stood up and I told the girls that I had brought my Haitian friends who were visiting and that we were going to show them some Haitian praise songs. We sang my two favorite songs, teaching everybody the second one, and then Manno was supposed to start praying in Creole. But he surprised me, and gave a mini talk first in English that was so beautiful and blew me away. Then he started praying and I tried to translate. Emphasize the tried to. At the end, he said in Creole that he wanted to present me to the Angels as their newest intent. I didn't even have a chance to say it in English before Laura Chance screamed out "she's gonna intent!!!!" and everyone went crazy. I took off my sweatshirt that was hiding my intent shirt and gave everyone hugs while they sang and clapped. It was so awesome :)

Then after settling down we prayed the rosary. Just imagine- 30ish girls packed into a room on a Tuesday night, all kneeling/sitting before a statue of Mary and a Crucifix, saying the Rosary. This is why I love Franciscan! At one point I just sat there in complete awe- Emmanuel Descollines, who lives on a mountainside in Haiti, was next to me praying the rosary at Franciscan in the middle of nowhere, Ohio. That just doesn't happen! It was a mini miracle to me, especially how everything came together at the last moment. It was totally due to the intercession of Mary, which made it even more fitting that this all happened at Rosary.

REGINA ANGELORUM, ORA PRO NOBIS!

Clouds

Apparently God wanted to teach me so much through airplanes this weekend! On my way back to Steubenville from Connecticut, it was raining once again. But not as hard, thank God, so the plane ride wasn't as bumpy. And it was during the day, which always makes everything less scary.

As we were taking off, it was very dark and cloudy. We steadily climbed through the clouds, until eventually we broke through. Up above the wall of dark clouds that was below us the sun was shining brilliantly. It was so beautiful. But of course the people couldn't see that from down on the ground- all they could see were the clouds.


I totally related this to God- above the stormy clouds of life that we all experience, there's a sun (God) that's always shining no matter what. We can't see Him through the clouds, but we have to believe that He's there anyways. This is what it means to have faith. To believe without seeing. This is also why we should praise God even in the midst of the worst storms of our life- because even if we can't see Him, He is there shining in all of His glory and splendor and deserves our praise.

This experience reminded me of a metaphor that St. Therese uses in her Story of a Soul, in the form of a little bird:
"The little bird...with daring abandon wants to stay fixed on its Divine Sun. Nothing could frighten it, neither wind nor rain, and if dark clouds come to hide the Star of Love, the little bird will not change its place. It knows that above the clouds its Sun is always shining, that its brilliance will not be able to be eclipsed for one single second.
Sometimes, it is true, the little bird's heart finds itself assailed by the storm. It seems to it that it cannot believe that anything else exists than the clouds that are enveloping it...the imperfect little creature lets itself become a little distracted from its only duty. It takes a little seed from the right or the left, runs after a little worm...Then, encountering a little puddle, it gets its feathers wet, feathers that have scarcely been formed. However, after all its misadventures, instead of going to hide in a corner to weep over its misery...the little bird turns towards its beloved Sun. It presents to Its kindhearted rays its little wet wings. I have the hope that one day, my Adored Eagle, You will come to get Your little bird, and going back up with it to the Home of Love, You will plunge it for eternity into the burning Abyss of Love."

Guardian Wings

This weekend I flew home from Steubenville to see some very special people who were visiting from Haiti. More about that in another post. Right now I want to talk about the craziest night of flying I've ever had in my life.

The cheapest flight home I could find (a week in advance, mind you) was a flight from Pittsburgh to Hartford with a stop in Washington, DC. From Pittsburgh to DC I was on a little commuter jet, and from DC to Hartford was on a huge airbus. I was getting really nervous because of the huge storm that hit the northeast Friday night, right when I was scheduled to fly. Not just any little rainstorm, but like a mini hurricane.

Unbelievably, my flights weren't cancelled and I took off out of Pittsburgh on-time with only a slight drizzle. About 10 minutes into the 45 minute long flight we started to shake. And bounce. A lot. We bounced from side to side and up and down the entire time. I think there was a slight nose dive at one point. It felt like the clouds were tossing our little plane around like a toy. I had never ever experienced turbulence this bad, and I was convinced at moments that we were going to die. I had my rosary clutched in one hand, and my other hand was either gripping the armrest or my stomach, depending on the moment. Everytime the light on the end of the wing blinked, I could see the rain flying past the plane in horizontal sheets due to the high winds.

But God was with me in so many ways. The guy diagonally across from me pulled out his rosary as we were taxi-ing out, which was such a nice surprise because he was a nicely dressed business man and I honestly didn't think he would be religious. The people across from me were Christian and were writing down notes while reading a Bible. The girls behind me were talking about Catholic school and patron saints, which still comforted me even if it sounded like they didn't have the best opinion of it. I was surrounded by a bubble.. it was like God was telling me He was right there with me.

I prayed my rosary as we were taking off, but as the shaking got worse I really started to pray to my guardian angel. All of a sudden I got this image of him under the tail of the plane outside my window, wearing goggles and a pilot's hat. He was holding the plane up as he flew, smiling a goofy grin at me with a thumbs up. It was like he was saying "What an adventure! Enjoy the ride, I've got your back." He just wanted me to trust and relax. In fact, all of our guardian angels on that flight were holding up the plane.

After picturing this, I did give myself over to God and my angel in trust for a good part of the flight and felt myself calm down a little. When the small nose dive happened though, I freaked out and didn't trust. But it's ok because I was still learning, and after the plane righted itself I went back to trusting. We finally landed, praise God! Walking through the airport in DC, I couldn't help but smile. I felt so happy, so free. I had just felt what it was like to surrender all to God and not have fear (for fleeting moments, anyways). And I was on my way to see some of my favorite people in the world. So why not smile with joy?

The Lamb and the Shepherd

Luke 15:4-7 is the parable of the Lost Sheep: "What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost.' Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance."

I just learned something really interesting about this passage. In Biblical times, when a shepherd found a sheep that had run off he gently broke the sheep's leg and put it around his shoulders, carrying it back to the herd. He would then nurse the sheep back to health, allowing for a close bond to be created between the sheep and the shepherd. Once the sheep's leg was healed, it would still follow the shepherd around everywhere because of this newfound bond and would never run away again.

This is a metaphor for our relationships with God. Sometimes, when we are running away from Him, He will come and "break" our leg in a spiritual sense. This can come in the form of suffering, trials, humiliation, etc. Through these experiences we will turn to and rely on God in a deeper way than before, and will grow in our relationship with Him. Once our suffering goes away, we will still stay on the path of holiness (God-willing) because our lives have been changed. No matter what suffering we are going through, God is always in the midst of it with us even though we may not be able to recognize Him at first. He is always there to sustain us and renew us, to help us on the path to healing. We should never begrudge Him our sufferings, as easy as that is, because it is through them that we become closer to Christ our Good Shepherd.

This Most Wonderful Love

"Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian, says, "no, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally and reservedly to Me, with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me alone, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing. One that you cannot imagine. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait. That's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look at the things you think you want; you just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you could dream of. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time). Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me. And this is the perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely, the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love utterly. I am God. Believe it and be satisfied."

-St. Anthony of Padua


By the grace of God one of my friends sent me this amazing quote. God is so good, because He sent it to me at a time when I really needed to hear it. He may not take our sufferings and trials away, but He sure knows how to help you along the way.

I've always struggled with being a hopeless romantic. I partly blame it on all the Disney movies I watched as a kid. There's nothing wrong with desiring this kind of true love, except for when you think that you will only find it in your Prince Charming alone. This is where we all fall into the trap. My first and foremost Prince Charming is Jesus Christ. It took me a long time to see it in this way, but He wants to court us. He wants us to fall madly in love with Him. He is the perfect fairy tale. Heaven is the perfect happily ever after. As much as we hate to admit it, no human is perfect. Therefore no human relationship is perfect. There will always be ups and downs and sacrifices made for each other. If we put all of our hope of a perfect true love in another human, our hearts will not be satisfied. It is only through the love of Jesus Christ that our hearts are fulfilled.

This quote also helped me to realize why God is calling me to at least discern the possibility of religious life. I was so mad at Him at first, because I have always dreamed of getting married and finding that perfect Prince Charming to share true love with. But this was like getting knocked over the head: duh, of course He's calling me to discern! If I didn't, then I would have stayed in that mindset of finding fulfillment in another human. I would have never gotten to the level in my spiritual life where I am starting to learn to rely on Christ alone, and a human second if He so wills to give me a husband. I am thankful from the bottom of my heart, for this experience has opened up new recesses in my heart that I didn't even know I had. It has allowed me to be prepared for whatever my vocation is in life- because if it's marriage, I need to have my heart satisfied in Christ first in order to fully and truly love a man. It is so so important to pray for our future spouses, for their hearts to be open to the ways that Christ wants to prepare them and teach them as well!

A priest told us something beautiful in his homily at mass the other day. When the Roman soldiers pierced the side of Christ after He died on the cross, blood and water poured out. In the Church we traditionally see this as symbolizing nourishment and healing along with cleansing and mercy. But there's another meaning that the priest gave- that the water came out because there was no more blood left- Christ spilled ALL of His blood for our salvation. He didn't keep any for Himself. Whenever I ask Christ how much He loves me, I am always pointed right towards the Cross. It is the ultimate sign of love, that He would die in place of us.

Imperfection

I've only been at Franciscan for a week and God has already blown my mind with everything that He's taught me and started to heal me of. I think I might grow even more in my faith than last semester, if that's even possible. But we are called to ongoing conversion.. we don't just get to a certain level and then call it good. We must always work with God to grow deeper in knowledge of Him and His love and ever further away from sin.

The idea of imperfection and humility has been thrown in my face this week- in conversations with friends, priests' homilies, class lectures, and FOP speeches. I have been a perfectionist all my life.. part of it is my desire to always please people, for them to have a good impression of me. The other part is for me to please myself and inflate my own pride. I've been trying to work on my pride for some time now, and thought I was doing pretty good (which is prideful in itself haha)- but this weekend helped me to see that I still have a long way to go.

God helped me realize that I'm scared not to be a perfectionist. I don't know what that feels like. I'm scared to loose control and show my faults to others. I've come a long way with admitting my faults to myself and embracing them, but I still can't seem to show them to other people. There's something blocking me everytime that I try to. My friend here described it as being a "super-server." It is someone who serves the Lord in various ministries, who always tries to make it seem like he/she is serving perfectly and doesn't have one fault. I've fallen into this trap so many times. Especially with Haiti. I don't want it to seem like I'm the perfect missionary, because I'm not. Far from it. But with God's grace I can continue on my journey and serve the way He wants me to. So, when reading my blog postings about my trips or looking at my pictures, please don't look at me but at Christ working through me in all my imperfections.

God also showed me some wounds in my heart that have led me to this state of needing perfection. I think that I need to prove myself to God. That I need to have perfect holiness in order for Him to love me, in order to be good enough for Him. If I don't, then maybe He won't think I'm worth loving anymore and He'll get mad at me. This is the FARTHEST thing from the truth!! There is nothing that I can do that will make God love me more, because God IS love. There is also nothing that I can do that will make God love me less, because God is love. To not love any one of us would be to contradict Himself, which is impossible because He is absolute Truth. So I need to stop thinking that I need to be a certain person in order for Him to love me- He loves me just the way I am. Yes, there is always room for improvement, but we need to fully accept ourselves in our present state before we can start growing in true holiness. You don't need to be perfect to be good- Jesus knows that we can't save ourselves and that we're going to sin. That's why He came to die for us.

The secret of the saints is not that they were perfect (like I tend to think of them as) or that they constantly sacrificed. It lies in the fact that they accepted that they were weak, and allowed God to work through them and strengthen them. They were humble enough to admit their struggles and weaknesses before God and man, and themselves. God loves us despite our imperfections- He wants to help us fix them, but won't turn us away because of them. Look at the majority of the saints- some of the greatest sinners came to be the greatest saints due to God's unending mercy and love.

I came across this message from God the Father in one of Anne a Lay Apostle's volumes: "Children, I love you in all your imperfection. I love you with all of the scars and marks you carry as the result of your flaws and mistakes. They mean nothing to Me in the sense that I did not make you to be perfect. I made you to overcome your weaknesses, and, utilizing your free will, to choose Me."

Also, Fr. Jacques Philippe says in his book "Interior Freedom" that "the person God loves with the tenderness of a Father, the person he wants to touch and to transform with his love, is not the person we'd have like to be or ought to be. It's the person we are. God doesn't love 'ideal persons' or 'virtual beings.' He loves actual, real people. What often blocks the action of God's grace in our lives is less our sins or failings, than it is our failure to accept our own weakness. We refuse to admit that we have this defect, that weak point...and so we block the Holy Spirit's action, since he can only affect our reality to the extent we accept it ourselves. We must accept ourselves just as we are, if the Holy Spirit is to change us for the better. We need to desire to change, but without ever refusing, even subconsciously, to recognize our limitations or accept ourselves."

Feast of the Assumption

Yesterday was the feast of the Assumption, a very special day for me for a number of reasons. My special devotion to the Assumption started in high school, when my family went on a cruise in Europe. One of the stops was the ancient city of Ephesus in present-day Turkey, to whom the Letter to the Ephesians was addressed in the New Testament. Up on a mountain overlooking the ruins of the city is a house, thought to be the place where St. John the Evangelist took the Blessed Mother to after the Cruicifixion to live out the rest of her days on earth. It was one of my first encounters with Mary, to see the place where she lived. It was so immensely peaceful up on that mountain, surrounded by trees and silence. Inside the house, which has been restored on top of the original foundation, is an altar and a room filled with crutches, canes, and special support shoes. These have all been left behind by cripples who have come to the house and left healed, due to Mary's intercession. Most of them had bathed in the water of a spring next to the house, and the water is said to have healing graces much like Lourdes water. We took a water bottle full of this water home with us (thankfully it was two days before the airlines started having liquid restrictions on the plane!) and I've blessed people with it in Haiti, in Steubenville, and here in CT with my own family.

My special link to the Assumption deepened when I decided to do St. Louis de Montfort's consecration to Mary. Without knowing it at first I chose August 15th, the feast of the Assumption, as my consecration date. It was so awesome to be able to consecrate myself to Mary on a feast day that I had a connection with. I then found out that the Assumption is also a huge day in Durverger, the village in Haiti where the orphanage is. The chapel in the village is named Our Lady of the Assumption, and they have a huge feast celebration there every August 15th. It was such a confirmation for me, that my vocation in life is intertwined with Haiti with Mary as the binding force.

Our Lady of the Assumption, pray for us!

M' adore ou Jezi

Every time I go to Haiti, I have a totally different experience than the last. This trip I had the privledge of leading a group of 8 amazing men and women. While the fact that our group had a big range of ages, personalities, and prayer styles sometimes posed a challenge to me as a leader, God totally allowed us to see the grace of it. We all brought something unique to the group, and each one of us was meant to go on this trip for a specific reason, to bring something to it. It was also a lesson in humility for me, to give total control to God. I needed to let Him work through me to lead these people and open their hearts- it was nothing that I could do on my own. All Glory to Him!

I experienced such a range of emotions on our first day. First, anticipation. Would we be able to get through the airport ok without any problems? The group was looking to me to get us through ok, relying on me. It was an unsettling thought. Could I actually do it? I knew with God's grace we would be fine. I had gone over this in my mind so many times- go through immigration, get our bags, walk outside, and find Manno. It was simple. There was a short feeling of relief when we got outside and found a nice man to help us carry our bags and lead us down the sidewalk to the parking lot. Then, fear gripped my heart. Our truck wasn't there. Manno and Joe's warm smiling faces were nowhere to be seen. Ok God, get us through this. I trust in You. Thankfully, He prompted me to get Manno's cell phone number about 5 minutes before we borded the flight at JFK. And He also placed a nice Haitian man in the right spot at the right time who let me use his cell phone. I was able to get Manno on the phone, who told me Joe had the truck and gave me his number. Adrenaline had been pulsating through my veins for a bit by this point, so I was about to quickly hang up the phone and call Joe when Manno calmly asked "so, how are you??" as if there was nothing else going on. I kinda laughed and told him I was good and that I had to go call Joe. That's what I love about Haiti- they don't have the same sense of rushing as we do. They will gladly be a half hour late somewhere in order to stay and have a conversation with you.

After about 10 minutes I saw the big blue truck pulling into the parking lot and an immense feeling of relief and excitement washed over me. We all ran to meet Joe and Alexis, who I didn't believe was one of our cops at first. I jumped out of the back of the truck when Manno pulled in shortly after, and we hugged and talked for about 5 minutes. Manno is seriously one of my heros. He does so much work for the mission, especially after the earthquake when he kept going back and forth to Port Au Prince to bring refugees out to the village. He has every right to be exhausted, but continues to serve with so much joy. I also saw Uncle Jean and Brother DeLord, both of whom are important spiritual fathers of the mission and bring me so much joy as well.

We all got into the truck and started our long journey out to the village. The feeling of total joy that I had just been feeling quickly went away when we started driving past the tent cities and collapsed buildings of Port Au Prince. The sights and smells hit me particularly hard this time. Everybody fell silent for this part of the ride, and as I sat in the back corner of the truck tears were welling up in my eyes. You would think I would be used to it by now. But I think I was really seeing it for the first time in all its reality. Usually I am so happy to just be back in Haiti that I see everything in the city through a fog. But God allowed that veil to be ripped back this time, and I really started to imagine what it would be like to live in these conditions all the time, day after day, with no hope of a better future. The tent cities of people made homeless by the earthquake stirred up the most emotion in me. I was angered that there was no progress in the 3 months that I had been away, let alone in the 7 months since the earthquake. The tent camps were so much more personal to me now, after meeting people who actually lived in them on my last trip. They weren't just some distant concept that I was looking at from the outside anymore- they were real life. I looked at the people in each one that we passed, not just the tents. I saw the lack of clean water, of privacy. I saw men washing themselves with little buckets of water, trying to keep clean and keep their dignity in the best way that they could. I saw children lethargic from the heat and malnutrition, sitting in their mothers' laps with vacant expressions on their faces. It made me want to scream. I wanted to jump out and help every single one of them. But it was impossible. I felt guilty for being on my way to such a beautiful place in the mountains, for just passing through the city, when these people have to live here 24/7. It turns out that God gave me comfort about this in a few days time, but for the moment He wanted me to stay in this feeling of helplessness and sadness.

As we got to the outskirts of the city, we stopped at a gas station to have one of our tires fixed. Joe came around to the back of the truck and invited us to go inside the little convenience store with him to buy some cold drinks. A group of about 6 of us went in, and as soon as we crossed over the threshold the whole place fell silent. All eyes were on us. I have never felt so out of place in my life. We had to walk to the back of the store to where the coolers were, and it seemed like the walk took forever. I didn't know if I should look up and try to smile at people or just keep my head down. I wondered if they were resentful to see us, wondering who we thought we were to walk into a place like this and get refreshing drinks when a million people were living on the streets right around the corner. Or maybe they were thankful to see us. I will never know. Back outside, a boy about 12 years old was standing by the truck. I started talking to him, and he asked for water. I gave him some, and he told me that his mom was dead. I didn't understand him at first, so he said "my mom" and then rested his head on his hands pretending to be asleep. I thought that was so precious, that he thinks of her resting peacefully in Heaven. I gave him a Cliff bar too, and he was so thankful. I told him I was praying for him and for his mom, and he said he would pray for me too.

The roads were really bumpy this time around from all of the rain that they have been having. Just when we turned off the paved road and started to bounce around, I saw Brother (who was sitting next to me) take out his rosary and start praying. It was so calming to see that, to know that we were in good hands. The ride was rough but totally worth it when we pulled into the orphanage. Most of the kids were still awake, and when I got off the truck they all surged forward and surrounded me in one huge group hug. It was such a beautiful moment, to finally have built relationships with them so that they remember me. Within about a minute everyone had a kid in their arms.

With the morning came the sounds of children playing, men working, and various roosters, donkeys, and goats. We painted the rest of the upstairs rooms the first two days while the guys made much-needed screens for the windows. We swam in the river every day and played with the kids every free moment we had. I had some awesome talks with Kendra up on the roof, and we prayed a rosary one evening as the sun was going down and the stars were coming out. Every night we all gathered for evening prayer on the steps of the orphanage. While most nights it was very calm and peaceful, the second night we were there it turned into an awesome praise and worship session. We were clapping and dancing and singing at the tops of our lungs. My heart and soul felt so free, so joyful. It was like something in me had been holding back on this trip until this moment, and it finally broke free.

Our project for this trip was to sort through all of the clothes, shoes, and toys that had been donated to the orphanage over the course of the summer. There were so many bins, way too much for the needs of our one orphanage. The people in Dandann, the next village over, had been complaining that they couldn't go to church because they didn't have nice enough clothes to wear. So the mission decided to keep what they needed and give the rest to Dandann. As we were sorting through everything, some of the kids came into the room and wanted to help us. It was so cute watching them try to fold clothes. At one point, Kendy saw a stuffed animal that he really liked. He pointed to it, and I told him that it was for the kids in Dandann. Without even skipping a beat he points to himself and says "mwen Dandann" (I'm Dandann). He's so funny. A little bit later, MacKendy was sitting next to me and found a brightly colored baby hat. He put it on his head and asked if he could have it. I told him he could wear it for now, and his face lit up. He never took it off after that, even wearing it to bed. MacKendy and I get along so well because we are very similar people. He's one of the quieter kids, and usually gets pushed into the background by the more outgoing and loud ones. He's so sweet, so peaceful, and is ridiculously smart. His eyes are so big and full of love, and you feel like you can look right into his soul. Johnna said he was asking for me before I got there, and when I went to say goodbye to him he wouldn't let me hug him at first because he didn't want me to leave.

We sang a song in night prayer that I had never heard before. It goes something like this: "Jesus, I adore You in the children, I adore You in the clouds, I adore You in the rivers, I adore You in the mountains, I adore You in the stars, I adore You in the church.." and keeps going, listing the things we can adore Jesus through. It was so fitting for our trip. Every night there was a thunderstorm, and you could see the lightening coming over the mountains while patches of brilliant stars still shone through. I would lay up on the roof on my back and just stay there, in awe of God's creation. The rain thundered down loud enough to wake us up at night. We bathed in the river one night as a storm was approaching. It was so dark that we could hardly see our hands in front of our face, until lightening lit up the sky like daylight. It was like God giving us His flashlight. It started to rain just as we were getting out, and soon we were wetter standing out in the pouring rain that we had been in the river. We got back to the orphanage and a small group of people was sitting on the porch, with Alexi playing guitar. The group of us stood out in the rain and danced to the music while everyone laughed at us inside. Alexi taught us a song that said "don't forget what Jesus is doing for you." He did so much for all of us that night.

Every morning we would gather on the roof to read the Gospel for the day and meditate on it, connecting it to our experiences on the trip. On one of the last mornings, the Gospel was a very obscure and confusing passage so I decided to read the meditation in the Magnificat instead. It was so providential, because it was an excerpt of St. Benedicta of the Cross and absolutely perfect for our trip. She talks about the suffering in the world, and how we want to help every widow, orphan, poor person, etc. This is impossible on our own. But Christ can be everywhere, and by uniting our sufferings to Him at the foot of the Cross we can bring graces to anyone in the world. So even though we could not physically stop and help every single person in Port Au Prince, through offering up our sufferings and through prayer and sacrifice we can help all of them through the Body of Christ. It was such an answer to our prayers and brought so much peace to our minds and hearts.

With this in mind, driving back through the city on the way home was not as full of despair. But Joe decided to take some back roads in order to avoid traffic and took us through parts of the city that I've never seen before. It was an area that had been hit very hard by the quake, and on either side of the road buildings were still collapsed. It was like passing through a cemetary, each building a gravestone of the bodies still buried inside. The most powerful moment was when we drove right past the national cathedral. I had seen so many pictures of it on the news but this was the first time I had seen it up close in person. It looks like an empty shell, with the middle part completely collapsed. The outer walls with stained glass windows still stand like memorials of its former glory and beauty. Outside on one corner is the now-famous crucifix statue that is still standing amongst all the rubble. Even though the cathedral, an outer symbol of Catholocism, is lying in ruin, the faith of the Haitians is still strong. The Church in Haiti is living as Christ crucified. They are clinging to the Cross, trusting that God is with them more now than ever. Through their sufferings they are attaining great graces for the rest of the world that we will never realize. Through our own sufferings united to the Cross, we can attain graces for them in return. Port Au Prince is broken, just as Christ hung broken on the Cross. But there is always hope in the Resurrection, in the glory of the Kingdom to come. We saw a glimpse of this glory out in the village, in the orphans who now radiate joyful smiles thanks to the healing powers of love.

M' adore ou Jezi. I adore you Jesus!

Being Still

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

This Bible passage has really been on my mind lately. There are so many ways to interpret it. But in relation to my own life, I think it's meant to teach me to stay in the present moment. I spend so much time worrying about the future or analyzing the past that I often forget about the present. I need to be still, and trust that God will take care of everything.

I should be still in more silent prayer throughout the day instead of constantly rushing around to the next thing. It is in the silence of our hearts that God talks to us and sustains us. It's in this silence that I find true peace. It is also in this silence where God teaches us about Himself and where divine wisdom is communicated.

I should be still in my present surroundings instead of wishing I was somewhere else. Out at school last semester I was spending a lot of time wishing I was in Haiti. I was so impatient to get there, and spent so much time thinking about it, that I missed out on a lot of opportunities at school that God put right in front of my face. God's plan is always perfect and He puts us in certain places at certain times for a reason. I need to trust that and keep my eyes are heart open to the ways God wants me to grow and to serve Him in the present moment. I won't be able to effectively serve in the places God will send me in the future if I don't learn what He's trying to teach me in the present.

I should be still in my anxieties about my future vocation. I spend so much time worrying about the future- whether I'm called to be a missionary, religious sister, wife and mother, or consecrated lay person. I need to learn to live with the question and trust that there's a reason why God isn't telling me right now. Maybe He knows I wouldn't be able to handle the answer. This period of uncertainty is also a way for me to grow so much in trust and patience and humility.

Lord, help me to be still and know that You are God.

A Woman's Heart

Today I had the priviledge of meeting my friend's grandparents from Africa. They are so joyful, so full of Christ's love. If I knew their language I would have sat with them for hours, wanting to know anything and everything. Luckily, I got my friend to agree to ask his granfather to tell a story and he would translate. I was so pumped- you always read in books about wise village elders telling stories to the younger ones, and now I would get to experience it!

He started telling a story about two lions, a male and female. They were driving to go visit a priest friend of theirs and came across the lions laying in the middle of the road. The grandfather's friend wanted to shoot them, but the grandfather had a feeling that this was a bad idea and persuaded his friend to just sit and wait. After some hours, the lions finally got up and walked away, and they could continue driving. When they got to the priest's house and told him the story, he was relieved to hear that they had not shot the lions.

The priest told them that if you ever come across a pair of lions, tigers, or other large animals, you should never shoot the male. If you do, the female will attack you out of loyalty. However, if you shoot the female, the male will most likely run away and find another female to mate with. My friend's grandfather started describing the beauty of a woman's heart, how we are loyal and protective and will always take care of our loved ones. He told the two boys sitting in the room to always love and cherish their future spouses, to be grateful to them for their love and not be like the male lion. It was so cool to me that a story about two lions could end up being a beautiful reflection on the vocation of man and woman. I definitely grew in my appreciation today of the way God made my heart!

Six Months

Last week was the six month anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti. I can't believe it has been half a year already.. so many memories are still fresh in my mind, and I'm sure even more so for the Haitians who experienced it firsthand. Although the main roads in Port-Au-Prince that I saw in May looked to be somewhat picked up, there are still many neighborhoods that look pretty much the same way they did the day after the earthquake. Hundreds of thousands of people are still homeless and living in camps around the city, in sweltering tents without basic necessities such as clean running water, electricity, and waste management. Most tents are flimsy and no match against the strong summer storms that come through.

It's so easy to fall into despair when thinking about the situation. Where is all the money that was supposedly donated? Why isn't the rubble being picked up? How are all of these people ever going to be able to rebuild their homes? The best thing we can do is pray. It's literally going to take a miracle to clean up and rebuild this city. It cant be done on human power alone. Pray especially to our Mother, who has always lovingly helped the country of Haiti.

I've often struggled with thoughts of why this had to happen to Haiti. Why God didn't spare them when He knows how much they already suffer. But I think God allowed this to happen to Haiti and not to any other country because He knows the resilience of the Haitian people. He knows their devout faith and knew it wouldn't be shaken by a traumatic event like this, but instead strengthened. He knew that the witness of the Haitians in the midst of unimaginable suffering would be a light to the world, to inspire a deeper faith in God. So please, pray with me for God's will to be done, for Him to continue to speak to the world through the Haitians, and for them to find peace and security, as we pray:

"Remember O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence we fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins. To thee to we cry, before thee do we stand sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not our petition, but in thy mercy hear and answer us. Amen."

Tout ti pwoblem sa..

I've had a rough few weeks. There have been many attacks on my heart lately, leading to confusion, indecision, and an all-around feeling of grouchiness. I don't handle suffering well. God knows that. Instead of offering it all back to Jesus in a spirit of silence and humility, I get frustrated and upset. Why is He making me go through this? When will it be over? I keep the suffering all to myself and let it affect my whole mood, much to the delight of the people around me, and try to block God out. I find myself saying "Not now God, I really don't want to talk to you right now. I love you, but I'm suffering. My heart isn't in the mood to pray."

This is the worst possible thing I could do. But it's a natural human response, and Jesus knows that. He loves us anyway, and will patiently wait until we feel ready to talk again. I'm not at that point yet, but I'm starting to get there. Writing this post is going to help. I needed to be reminded of the value of my suffering, of its purpose. Thank God I was blessed with a conversation that helped me to see just that. I was spending so much time being frustrated with God for allowing me to go through these trials that I didn't stop to think about why He is. God can use my suffering to bring about so many graces for all of the situations that I am struggling with. He's using it to purify my heart and to prepare it for greater struggles ahead.

I've always been strongly attracted to the 8th station of the Cross, where Jesus speaks to the weeping women. I've tried to figure out what Jesus wants to teach me through it. I think it's this: that even though He was suffering so much at this point, physically and emotionally, He still took the time to stop and serve the women. He could have kept walking with the Cross, could have irritably shooed them away when they came up to Him weeping. Instead, He gave them an important piece of spiritual advice, to weep not for Him but for themselves and their own sins, for they are what cased Him to suffer. Even at one of His most painful moments, Jesus still did more for others than for Himself. I need to learn how to do that, to look outside of my own suffering and focus on all of the people that Jesus is still calling me to serve in my daily life. This should be done in a spirit of joy. Jesus is always calling us to be joyful, to be a witness to others of the heavenly joy that comes out of serving Him and His Kingdom. This will attract others to the faith, for they will be curious and want to know where this joy comes from.

I keep being reminded of one of my favorite Haitian songs as I'm trying to figure out how to suffer gracefully. It goes like this:

Tout ti pwoblèm sa yo Jezi konnen yo
Mwen menm, mwen pa konnen yo
Ala m konnen Jezi se Sovè m alelouya
Gen yon jou m a delivre
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Dèt mwen yo peye deja
(leader: kilès ki peye)
Jezi peye, Jezi peye
Jezi peye, Jezi peye
Jezi peye
Dèt mwen yo peye deja

Roughly translated, it means: "All of those little problems, Jesus knows them, though I myself don't know them. But I do know that Jesus is my Savior alleluia, and one day He will deliver me. I don't have money to pay my debt, but it is already paid. Who pays? Jesus pays. My debt is already paid."

Jesus knows all of our struggles, all of our problems, all of our sufferings. But we should always rejoice because Jesus is our Savior and He paid the debt of our sins through suffering on the Cross. This is something that the Haitians continue to teach me- to have joy in the midst of suffering. Because we always have the joy and hope of the Resurrection, and should always rejoice in that no matter how much we are suffering on earth.

Our Lady of Guadalupe

So how does a Franciscan friary in the middle of nowhere, Our Lady of Guadalupe, a friar with a computer, and Creole mass all fit in together? Good question... I still can't believe it all happened!

This weekend I went camping with my family on a lake in very rural northeast Connecticut. As we were driving to get there, I was wondering what I was going to do about mass on Sunday because we wouldn't be leaving till later in the afternoon, too late to make it to any of the masses at our home parish. About 15 minutes away from the campsite, we passed a road that on top of the road sign had another sign that said Our Lady of Guadalupe. I sort of did a double take, not really sure if I had read it correctly. But this morning, I drove back to where I remembered it to be and sure enough, there it was. I turned on the road and expected to find a church not too far down it. Almost 10 minutes later, I was still driving. The road kept curving through dense woods, and at one point I hit a fork in the road. I decided to turn off to the right, not really sure where it would lead me. The road kept getting more and more remote, and I kept thinking that I should turn back. There's no way that a church would be all the way out here. I should have taken the other road, I'm sure it's down there. Just as I was about to turn around, I decided to go up one more hill and see what was up there. If it wasn't there, I was turning around. Well, sure enough, as soon as I rounded the corner I saw a sign with the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe on it. It was a Franciscan friary! Mary is so good to me, she deals with my constant impatience. Thank God she had me keep driving, otherwise I wouldn't have found it!

I pulled in to the driveway and saw a beautiful stone church with the friary attached. There were a few cars, but I didn't see anyone and wasn't sure if I should go in or not. I didn't know if it was a cloistered community and if they had masses open to the public. I was wishing there was someone outside to ask as I was putting the car in reverse, literally about to pull out, when I saw a little boy with blonde hair running around the grass next to the chapel. There was obviously no way that he was one of the friar's kids, so I knew there must be lay people here. I pulled into the parking lot and saw the boy's dad sitting next to a statue of Mary with another child. I asked him if there was mass going on, and he said there was! Mary saved me once again.

The chapel was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. It had tall cathedral ceilings with ornate woodwork everywhere. There was a large portrait of Our Lady of Guadalupe hanging on the wall behind the altar, and the wall was painted the color of her mantle with gold stars. There was a huge Divine Mercy portrait on one side of the chapel, and over the tabernacle on the other side was a big statue of Jesus and His Sacred Heart. He had one hand pulling away His tunic to reveal His heart and the other hand outstretched, as if inviting us all to come into His heart. There was even a spot light on the heart that made it glow with light. Jesus was calling me into His heart, and I was recieving His love. My heart was so peaceful here, so satisfied, so happy. The mass was a beautiful blend of the old and the new, but unfortunately I got there during the Consecration so didn't get to enjoy all of it.

After mass, I went up to one of the friars to introduce myself, and more importantly ask him if he thought I had fulfilled my Sunday requirement by coming so late, or if he thought I should try and find another mass to go to. He was so helpful and so kind, and grabbed his computer for me to help me see if there were any other masses in the area that I could still catch. We looked for about 15 minutes, and found one that would be on my way home, but that I might not have time to make it to. I decided that I had tried my hardest and would rather go sit in Adoration in the chapel for a little bit than try to rush to another mass so far away. I thanked the friar for everything and we both went separate ways. Then, about 15 minutes later, I was in the chapel having a beautiful conversation in my heart with Jesus when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the same friar from before, and he had a piece of paper in his hand. He whispered to me that he had found another church about 20 minutes away in Norwich that I would have enough time to get to, but that unfortunately the mass was in Creole.. I looked at him dumbfounded, and very excitedly told him that I did mission work in Haiti and that I know Creole! He laughed to himself with the same look of amazement that I had on my face. I have no clue why he continued to keep searching on the internet after I left, and why he decided to tell me about this mass when he probably thought that I would have no clue what Creole even was. It was Our Lady, I'm sure, saving me for the third time today.

I very quickly left Adoration (even though it was so peaceful and I didn't want to leave!) because I had to run back to the campsite and pack all of my stuff before I headed back down to Norwich. I ended up getting to mass very late again, at about the same point I did for the first one. I quietly snuck into the back pew and listened with joy as the small group of Haitians were praising in their native language, drums and all! I closed my eyes and really felt like I was in Haiti again, except for the fact that I was in a huge church with air conditioning and there were no roosters in the background.

I know that Our Lady of Guadalupe was watching over me today and gave me this wonderful gift of going to a Creole mass. She has interceeded for Mission Haiti so much since the earthquake and has blessed our mission in so many ways. I know that it was no coincidence that the friar decided to tell me about this mass as I was sitting in a chapel dedicated to her. Ave Maria!

P.S. The friars are part of the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate... they seem like such an awesome order with a beautiful devotion to Our Lady! Here's their website if you want to find out more about them: http://figuadalupe.wordpress.com/

The Butterfly Circus

This short film, starring Eduardo Verastegui from Bella, was the main theme of Sean's camp this year. It has so many beautiful messages. Remember, you are magnificent just the way you are. God can create anything out of ashes- the greater the struggle, the greater the triumph. Whose circus do you belong to? Who do you perform for, Satan or Christ?

Watch it here online.

A Year In Review..

This past weekend I had the priviledge of being on team for Sean Forrest's Movin With the Spirit summer camp 2010. I've been going to this weekend retreat for 6 years now, and every year is unique. Sean's camp has had such an influence in my life.. as a camper, it taught me so much about the faith and opened my heart up to God's love. The past two years as a team member it opened up my heart even more, teaching me how to share God's love with others. My small group was made up of amazing young women who are all beautiful daughters of God, and I am so blessed to have had the chance to talk with them and share our hearts with each other.

My life has been such a rollercoaster since last year's camp. It was at camp last year that I had some amazing life-changing experiences, and started the journey of giving myself completely over to God. Something came alive within me last summer.. I found a peace and strength that is not my own. My faith skyrocketed and I found myself changing into the person that I had always longed to be, someone who says yes to God with my whole self and who is detached from this world. I still have a long way to go, but I know God will keep leading me down this path of trust. I am so thankful to Him for all of the things that He has done in my life, on no merit of my own, and rejoice in His blessings. It's amazing what He can do when you give Him the smallest amount of trust and allow Him to enter your heart. I must be such a poor servant of His, I mess up all the time and still have a lot of work to do, but I try my best each day and He uses me to the best of my ability.

It was at camp last year that I decided to leave Stonehill College, the place I had attended for my freshman year. I met some amazing people there and the thought of leaving them made me very sad, but God gave me a peace about it and I knew it was His will. I know He wanted me to go to a place where I would be supported in my faith, where I could grow in unimaginable ways. That place ended up being Franciscan University, but there was a place in-between where He wanted me to spend some time first, to prepare myself. This was the place where Sean's camp was being held- Holy Apostles College and Seminary. At first the thought of going to a tiny little college where I would have to commute to from home and be one of a few lay students surrounded by seminarians freaked me out. But God's plan is perfect for us. My semester at Holy Apostles ended up being just what I needed. I learned a lot of knowledge about the faith that prepared my mind for the classes I would be taking at Franciscan, but I also learned a lot that prepared my heart. By getting to know so many wonderful seminarians and religious sisters, my heart was opened up to the beauty of religious life. It calmed a lot of my fears about my own possible vocation which God was calling me to discern, and helped me understand it a lot better. Living at home allowed me to be there for my family during some very hard trials, and let me spend some quality time with my grandfather before he passed away. God taught me about suffering during this time, and how to give everything completely over to Him and trust in Him. It was a test, to see if I would still be as faithful when the spiritual highs were taken away and replaced by trials. I don't think I would have been able to handle all of the suffering that was put into my life without being surrounded by the peaceful environment of Holy Apostles.

After much indecision, I decided to take another leap of faith and transfer out to Franciscan for the spring semester. While God had hit me over the head and showed me clearly that I was meant to leave Stonehill, He was not so forthright in leading me to Franciscan. He was teaching me discernment, how to listen in my heart for His will and not expect it to come easy. As soon as I got to campus, however, I immediately felt a feeling of peace wash over me and I knew that I was in the right place. It was such a feeling of relief. However, this peaceful feeling didn't last very long. Within the first week of being out there, my grandpa was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the earthquake in Haiti happened. I was bombarded by more suffering, just when I thought I had reached the end of it. I was numb for a few days and didn't handle it too well, but I eventually found my way into the chapel and just poured out everything at the foot of the Cross. I knew this was a spiritual attack, to try and divert me off of the path that God was leading me on. I knew I was meant to be at Franciscan, and nothing was going to take me away from there, either physically or mentally. I united my sufferings with Jesus and let Him lead me. I grew so close to Him in prayer. I relied on Him for strength, to be able to focus on all of my schoolwork while everything else was going on. I knew God had placed me at Francsican during this time because I could recieve the Eucharist almost every day, sit in Adoration for two hours a week, and visit the chapel in my dorm whenever I wanted. I needed all of these graces to help me through, to keep my heart focused on God.

Lent was such a period of growth for me. It was like Jesus taught me a new thing every day. He allowed me to feel distant from everyone else so that I would grow closer to Him. One of the things I decided to do for Lent was say the Stations of the Cross every day. I had never said this prayer before, and God opened my eyes to so many things through it. The most important thing I learned was the endless love that God has for me. I had never allowed it into my heart before now, thinking I would be weak if I stopped working for the Kingdom for a moment and just let Him love me. But that is the furthest thing from the truth. I wanted to be like the saints, who I thought were so brave and heroic on their own strength. I thought if I accepted God's love, help, and mercy that I would be weaker than them. Boy, was I wrong. The secret of the saints is that they completely denied themselves and allowed God's love and mercy into their hearts. They did nothing on their own strength, but let Christ work through them. Once I understood this, my heart burst open. I experienced God's love in such a profound way- it would bring me to tears while sitting before the Blessed Sacrament. His love is so great that our human minds cannot even begin to wrap our minds around it. By meditating on the Passion every day, I came to know that it was the greatest act of love that Christ could show us. The weight of our sins caused Him to fall three times while carrying the cross, but His love for us was never diminished. When we ourselves fall into sin, He is waiting to help us back up and continue walking on the path. We can't do it on our own strength.

With the springtime and end of Lent came a newfound joy within me. I started becoming closer with so many amazing people, and my heart felt lighter. I wouldn't have been so appreciative of this joy if I hadn't experienced everything I did during the winter. I am so thankful for all of my sufferings, because they taught me so much and without them I wouldn't have the relationship with Jesus Christ that I do today. I also can't forget the Blessed Mother. I consecrated myself to her last summer, and without her constant love and intercession I wouldn't have been able to get through this year. She is so beautiful, and only wants to lead us to her Son. She is such a huge part of my life and I pray every day for her to grace me with her most holy virtues. She is such a beautiful example of purity, obedience, submission, and humility. My heart feels so whole, so fulfilled, because our hearts are restless until they rest in Christ. Everything that has happened this year, the good and the bad, happened because I trusted in God. I tried my best to give Him control of my life and let Him lead me, even though there were many times when I resisted. The key is asking Him for help. We can't do it on our own. You only have to open up your heart a crack, and He will do the rest.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

God's Family

This is a quote from Fr. Mike Scanlan's book Let the Fire Fall- it is amazing and you all should read it! Fr. Scanlan, TOR is the former president of Franciscan University and is seriously a living saint. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to see him around campus and occasionally have him celebrate a mass!

"The Lord spoke to me about a more fundamental problem. 'You are acting as if I am not with you,' He said. 'You are reaching, pleading, pushing to get to Me. You are serving on your own power. You are trying to do things for Me rather than in Me. The truth is that I am with you. I am your family. I am in you. Start living in the family.'
That moment was a breakthrough in my understanding of who God is and who I am in relation to Him. God is family. The Son is always giving glory to the Father. The Father is always saying He is pleased with the Son. The Holy Spirit is the bond of love between them. The three members of this family are always praying in me, just as they pray in you and in everyone who has been reborn in Jesus Christ. We are never alone. We never need to fear. We always have our family with us.
We don't reach out to God in prayer. Rather we enter into the prayer that is going on within us ceaselessly. We don't look outside ourselves for healing. We recieve the healing graces that flow from the Holy Trinity. We don't struggle to bring God's love to our families, friends, co-workers. Rather, we participate in what God is already doing to bring His grace to those around us. Best of all, the Father is a Father to us just as He was Father to Jesus, for that is exactly what it means to be sons and daughters of God."


take a moment to re-read this. to really ponder it, to let God speak to your heart. I hope it changes your outlook on your prayer life like it did for mine!

The Little Flower

So, since I'm on a kick about nature and creation, I figured I would share this passage from St. Therese of Lisieux's "The Story of a Soul". I read it the other night and it is so perfect! It's in the beginning of the very first chapter if you want to look it up. I put in italics certain sentences that really stood out to me:

"For a long time I wondered why God showed partiality, why all souls don't recieve the same amount of graces. I was astounded to see Him lavish extraordinary favors on the Saints who had offended Him such as St. Paul and St. Augustine, and whom He so to speak forced to recieve His graces. Or when I read the life of Saints whom Our Lord was pleased to embrace from the cradle to the grave, without leaving in their path any obstacles that might hinder them from rising toward Him, and granting these souls such favors that they were unable to tarnish the immaculate brightness of their baptismal robes, I wondered why poor primitive people, for example, were dying in great number without even having heard the name of God pronounced..
Jesus consented to teach me this mystery. He placed before my eyes the book of nature; I understood that all the flowers that He created are beautiful. The brilliance of the rose and the whiteness of the lily don't take away the perfume of the lowly violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy...I understood that if all the little flowers wanted to be roses, nature would lose its springtime adornment, and the fields would no longer be sprinkled with little flowers...
So it is in the world of souls, which is Jesus' garden. He wanted to create great Saints who could be compared to lilies and roses. But He also created little ones, and these ought to be content to be daisies or violets destined to gladden God's eyes when He glances down at His feet. Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wants us to be...
I understood that Our Lord's love is revealed as well in the simplest soul who doesn't resist His grace in anything, as in the most sublime of souls. In fact, since the essence of love is to bring oneself low, if every soul were like the souls of the holy Doctors who have shed light on the Church through the clarity of their doctrine, it seems that God wouldn't come down low enough by coming only as far as their great hearts. But He created the child who doesn't know anything and only cries weakly, He created poor primitive persons who only have natural law as a guide- and it is to their hearts that He consents to come down: Here are wildflowers whose simplicity delights Him...
By bringing Himself low in this way, God shows His infinite greatness. Just as the sun shines at the same time on the tall cedars and on each little flower as if it were the only one on earth, in the same way Our Lord is concerned particularly for every soul as if there were none other like it. And just as in nature all the seasons are arranged in such a way as to cause the humblest of daisy to open on the appointed day, in the same way all things correspond to the good of each soul."


I know I've fallen into the trap of wishing I was like someone else, wishing I had their holiness or their spiritual gifts. But we have to realize that if we were all the same, if we were all roses or lilies, there would be no diversity in God's garden. We have to accept ourselves, in all of our faults and gifts, exactly as we are because in God's eyes we are magnificient. We are beautiful. We give him joy by being the flower that He created us to be, no matter if we are a lily or a simple daisy.

All Creation Sings Praise to God

Today I went down to the docks and sat on a rock overlooking the water, taking everything in. The water was so calm and the sky was bright blue. As I sat there contemplating God, listening to the sound of the waves rhythmically lapping the rocks, my soul felt such calm, such peace. It was the first time since I got back from Haiti that I was truly silent and let God fully enter my heart.

One of the major personal themes of my trip to Haiti was growing in my awareness of God the Father, the Creator, and deepening my relationship with Him. This past year, I've focused so much on my relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit and haven't given the Father much thought. In my mind He was more of a distant reality, not the first Person of the Trinity who we are capable of having a personal and intimate relationship with. During one morning prayer, one of the team members on my trip brought up the quote "All creation sings praise to God simply by being fully what the Creator intended." What he said really struck me, that everything in nature- the plants, the animals, the earth itself- gives glory and praise to God just by being what He created them to be. The harmony of nature is itself a song of praise to the Creator. Biology and faith are not separate, but are in fact connected on the deepest level. This caused me to have a whole new outlook on things.

It is very easy to appreciate nature when you're in Haiti. It is right in your face and holds a power over you that it doesn't in the States, where we have a lot of things separating us from it. The stars are so bright it feels like you can reach out and touch them. The lightening at night coming over the hills is so clear and the rain is so fresh. Everything around me came alive when I started paying more attention to it. I found that as I became more aware, I started feeling more natural in my own body. I was tapping into the harmony of nature and surrendering myself to it as well. My soul felt a peace that I had not experienced before. It felt a freedom, a lightness. I was glorifying God in my every action, by living out the life that He wants me to live. By being the person that He wants me to be.

When we as humans surrender ourselves to His will and be who we were created to be, it must give the Father so much greater glory and joy than the rest of creation. This is because everything else in nature is programmed to be obedient to the laws of creation. Humans have the power to choose. We have free will. We can make a conscious and rational decision to either follow God's will in our lives or our own. God gave us this gift so that we could choose to love Him, not be forced to. Living our lives in accordance with His plan for us is one of the sweetest gifts and forms of praise that we can give to our Father. It fills His heart with joy. You may not know now what the Father's plan is for you. But if you spend time in silence and ask the Father to reveal it to you, He will in His own time, in His own way.

When I was sitting down by the water, I said a rosary. It was one of the sweetest rosaries I have ever said. I sat there with my eyes closed, with the warmth of the sun on my face and the power of the Holy Spirit rushing past me in the wind. In Volume 3 of Anne a Lay Apostle, God the Father says "Dear children, as you have been told, you cannot see the wind, but you see the power of the wind and you see the beautiful things that can be achieved when you harness that power. I am the same." I felt so small sitting there, and God felt so big. About half way through the rosary, after I had spent some time contemplating the power and goodness of God, I felt the wind die down. Then a tremendous feeling of love overswept my heart. It was so tender, so pure. I know it was God revealing to me a fraction of the love that He feels for me, His child. He feels this for every single one of us, whether we believe in Him or not. He doesn't show it to us in its entirety because He knows like a wise Father that we would not be able to handle it in our humanity.

We all have a Father in Heaven. We are all His children and He yearns to give us each His love.