A Year In Review..

This past weekend I had the priviledge of being on team for Sean Forrest's Movin With the Spirit summer camp 2010. I've been going to this weekend retreat for 6 years now, and every year is unique. Sean's camp has had such an influence in my life.. as a camper, it taught me so much about the faith and opened my heart up to God's love. The past two years as a team member it opened up my heart even more, teaching me how to share God's love with others. My small group was made up of amazing young women who are all beautiful daughters of God, and I am so blessed to have had the chance to talk with them and share our hearts with each other.

My life has been such a rollercoaster since last year's camp. It was at camp last year that I had some amazing life-changing experiences, and started the journey of giving myself completely over to God. Something came alive within me last summer.. I found a peace and strength that is not my own. My faith skyrocketed and I found myself changing into the person that I had always longed to be, someone who says yes to God with my whole self and who is detached from this world. I still have a long way to go, but I know God will keep leading me down this path of trust. I am so thankful to Him for all of the things that He has done in my life, on no merit of my own, and rejoice in His blessings. It's amazing what He can do when you give Him the smallest amount of trust and allow Him to enter your heart. I must be such a poor servant of His, I mess up all the time and still have a lot of work to do, but I try my best each day and He uses me to the best of my ability.

It was at camp last year that I decided to leave Stonehill College, the place I had attended for my freshman year. I met some amazing people there and the thought of leaving them made me very sad, but God gave me a peace about it and I knew it was His will. I know He wanted me to go to a place where I would be supported in my faith, where I could grow in unimaginable ways. That place ended up being Franciscan University, but there was a place in-between where He wanted me to spend some time first, to prepare myself. This was the place where Sean's camp was being held- Holy Apostles College and Seminary. At first the thought of going to a tiny little college where I would have to commute to from home and be one of a few lay students surrounded by seminarians freaked me out. But God's plan is perfect for us. My semester at Holy Apostles ended up being just what I needed. I learned a lot of knowledge about the faith that prepared my mind for the classes I would be taking at Franciscan, but I also learned a lot that prepared my heart. By getting to know so many wonderful seminarians and religious sisters, my heart was opened up to the beauty of religious life. It calmed a lot of my fears about my own possible vocation which God was calling me to discern, and helped me understand it a lot better. Living at home allowed me to be there for my family during some very hard trials, and let me spend some quality time with my grandfather before he passed away. God taught me about suffering during this time, and how to give everything completely over to Him and trust in Him. It was a test, to see if I would still be as faithful when the spiritual highs were taken away and replaced by trials. I don't think I would have been able to handle all of the suffering that was put into my life without being surrounded by the peaceful environment of Holy Apostles.

After much indecision, I decided to take another leap of faith and transfer out to Franciscan for the spring semester. While God had hit me over the head and showed me clearly that I was meant to leave Stonehill, He was not so forthright in leading me to Franciscan. He was teaching me discernment, how to listen in my heart for His will and not expect it to come easy. As soon as I got to campus, however, I immediately felt a feeling of peace wash over me and I knew that I was in the right place. It was such a feeling of relief. However, this peaceful feeling didn't last very long. Within the first week of being out there, my grandpa was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the earthquake in Haiti happened. I was bombarded by more suffering, just when I thought I had reached the end of it. I was numb for a few days and didn't handle it too well, but I eventually found my way into the chapel and just poured out everything at the foot of the Cross. I knew this was a spiritual attack, to try and divert me off of the path that God was leading me on. I knew I was meant to be at Franciscan, and nothing was going to take me away from there, either physically or mentally. I united my sufferings with Jesus and let Him lead me. I grew so close to Him in prayer. I relied on Him for strength, to be able to focus on all of my schoolwork while everything else was going on. I knew God had placed me at Francsican during this time because I could recieve the Eucharist almost every day, sit in Adoration for two hours a week, and visit the chapel in my dorm whenever I wanted. I needed all of these graces to help me through, to keep my heart focused on God.

Lent was such a period of growth for me. It was like Jesus taught me a new thing every day. He allowed me to feel distant from everyone else so that I would grow closer to Him. One of the things I decided to do for Lent was say the Stations of the Cross every day. I had never said this prayer before, and God opened my eyes to so many things through it. The most important thing I learned was the endless love that God has for me. I had never allowed it into my heart before now, thinking I would be weak if I stopped working for the Kingdom for a moment and just let Him love me. But that is the furthest thing from the truth. I wanted to be like the saints, who I thought were so brave and heroic on their own strength. I thought if I accepted God's love, help, and mercy that I would be weaker than them. Boy, was I wrong. The secret of the saints is that they completely denied themselves and allowed God's love and mercy into their hearts. They did nothing on their own strength, but let Christ work through them. Once I understood this, my heart burst open. I experienced God's love in such a profound way- it would bring me to tears while sitting before the Blessed Sacrament. His love is so great that our human minds cannot even begin to wrap our minds around it. By meditating on the Passion every day, I came to know that it was the greatest act of love that Christ could show us. The weight of our sins caused Him to fall three times while carrying the cross, but His love for us was never diminished. When we ourselves fall into sin, He is waiting to help us back up and continue walking on the path. We can't do it on our own strength.

With the springtime and end of Lent came a newfound joy within me. I started becoming closer with so many amazing people, and my heart felt lighter. I wouldn't have been so appreciative of this joy if I hadn't experienced everything I did during the winter. I am so thankful for all of my sufferings, because they taught me so much and without them I wouldn't have the relationship with Jesus Christ that I do today. I also can't forget the Blessed Mother. I consecrated myself to her last summer, and without her constant love and intercession I wouldn't have been able to get through this year. She is so beautiful, and only wants to lead us to her Son. She is such a huge part of my life and I pray every day for her to grace me with her most holy virtues. She is such a beautiful example of purity, obedience, submission, and humility. My heart feels so whole, so fulfilled, because our hearts are restless until they rest in Christ. Everything that has happened this year, the good and the bad, happened because I trusted in God. I tried my best to give Him control of my life and let Him lead me, even though there were many times when I resisted. The key is asking Him for help. We can't do it on our own. You only have to open up your heart a crack, and He will do the rest.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5