I've had a rough few weeks. There have been many attacks on my heart lately, leading to confusion, indecision, and an all-around feeling of grouchiness. I don't handle suffering well. God knows that. Instead of offering it all back to Jesus in a spirit of silence and humility, I get frustrated and upset. Why is He making me go through this? When will it be over? I keep the suffering all to myself and let it affect my whole mood, much to the delight of the people around me, and try to block God out. I find myself saying "Not now God, I really don't want to talk to you right now. I love you, but I'm suffering. My heart isn't in the mood to pray."
This is the worst possible thing I could do. But it's a natural human response, and Jesus knows that. He loves us anyway, and will patiently wait until we feel ready to talk again. I'm not at that point yet, but I'm starting to get there. Writing this post is going to help. I needed to be reminded of the value of my suffering, of its purpose. Thank God I was blessed with a conversation that helped me to see just that. I was spending so much time being frustrated with God for allowing me to go through these trials that I didn't stop to think about why He is. God can use my suffering to bring about so many graces for all of the situations that I am struggling with. He's using it to purify my heart and to prepare it for greater struggles ahead.
I've always been strongly attracted to the 8th station of the Cross, where Jesus speaks to the weeping women. I've tried to figure out what Jesus wants to teach me through it. I think it's this: that even though He was suffering so much at this point, physically and emotionally, He still took the time to stop and serve the women. He could have kept walking with the Cross, could have irritably shooed them away when they came up to Him weeping. Instead, He gave them an important piece of spiritual advice, to weep not for Him but for themselves and their own sins, for they are what cased Him to suffer. Even at one of His most painful moments, Jesus still did more for others than for Himself. I need to learn how to do that, to look outside of my own suffering and focus on all of the people that Jesus is still calling me to serve in my daily life. This should be done in a spirit of joy. Jesus is always calling us to be joyful, to be a witness to others of the heavenly joy that comes out of serving Him and His Kingdom. This will attract others to the faith, for they will be curious and want to know where this joy comes from.
I keep being reminded of one of my favorite Haitian songs as I'm trying to figure out how to suffer gracefully. It goes like this:
Tout ti pwoblèm sa yo Jezi konnen yo
Mwen menm, mwen pa konnen yo
Ala m konnen Jezi se Sovè m alelouya
Gen yon jou m a delivre
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Dèt mwen yo peye deja
(leader: kilès ki peye)
Jezi peye, Jezi peye
Jezi peye, Jezi peye
Jezi peye
Dèt mwen yo peye deja
Roughly translated, it means: "All of those little problems, Jesus knows them, though I myself don't know them. But I do know that Jesus is my Savior alleluia, and one day He will deliver me. I don't have money to pay my debt, but it is already paid. Who pays? Jesus pays. My debt is already paid."
Jesus knows all of our struggles, all of our problems, all of our sufferings. But we should always rejoice because Jesus is our Savior and He paid the debt of our sins through suffering on the Cross. This is something that the Haitians continue to teach me- to have joy in the midst of suffering. Because we always have the joy and hope of the Resurrection, and should always rejoice in that no matter how much we are suffering on earth.
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