Today I had the priviledge of meeting my friend's grandparents from Africa. They are so joyful, so full of Christ's love. If I knew their language I would have sat with them for hours, wanting to know anything and everything. Luckily, I got my friend to agree to ask his granfather to tell a story and he would translate. I was so pumped- you always read in books about wise village elders telling stories to the younger ones, and now I would get to experience it!
He started telling a story about two lions, a male and female. They were driving to go visit a priest friend of theirs and came across the lions laying in the middle of the road. The grandfather's friend wanted to shoot them, but the grandfather had a feeling that this was a bad idea and persuaded his friend to just sit and wait. After some hours, the lions finally got up and walked away, and they could continue driving. When they got to the priest's house and told him the story, he was relieved to hear that they had not shot the lions.
The priest told them that if you ever come across a pair of lions, tigers, or other large animals, you should never shoot the male. If you do, the female will attack you out of loyalty. However, if you shoot the female, the male will most likely run away and find another female to mate with. My friend's grandfather started describing the beauty of a woman's heart, how we are loyal and protective and will always take care of our loved ones. He told the two boys sitting in the room to always love and cherish their future spouses, to be grateful to them for their love and not be like the male lion. It was so cool to me that a story about two lions could end up being a beautiful reflection on the vocation of man and woman. I definitely grew in my appreciation today of the way God made my heart!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Six Months
Last week was the six month anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti. I can't believe it has been half a year already.. so many memories are still fresh in my mind, and I'm sure even more so for the Haitians who experienced it firsthand. Although the main roads in Port-Au-Prince that I saw in May looked to be somewhat picked up, there are still many neighborhoods that look pretty much the same way they did the day after the earthquake. Hundreds of thousands of people are still homeless and living in camps around the city, in sweltering tents without basic necessities such as clean running water, electricity, and waste management. Most tents are flimsy and no match against the strong summer storms that come through.
It's so easy to fall into despair when thinking about the situation. Where is all the money that was supposedly donated? Why isn't the rubble being picked up? How are all of these people ever going to be able to rebuild their homes? The best thing we can do is pray. It's literally going to take a miracle to clean up and rebuild this city. It cant be done on human power alone. Pray especially to our Mother, who has always lovingly helped the country of Haiti.
I've often struggled with thoughts of why this had to happen to Haiti. Why God didn't spare them when He knows how much they already suffer. But I think God allowed this to happen to Haiti and not to any other country because He knows the resilience of the Haitian people. He knows their devout faith and knew it wouldn't be shaken by a traumatic event like this, but instead strengthened. He knew that the witness of the Haitians in the midst of unimaginable suffering would be a light to the world, to inspire a deeper faith in God. So please, pray with me for God's will to be done, for Him to continue to speak to the world through the Haitians, and for them to find peace and security, as we pray:
"Remember O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence we fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins. To thee to we cry, before thee do we stand sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not our petition, but in thy mercy hear and answer us. Amen."
It's so easy to fall into despair when thinking about the situation. Where is all the money that was supposedly donated? Why isn't the rubble being picked up? How are all of these people ever going to be able to rebuild their homes? The best thing we can do is pray. It's literally going to take a miracle to clean up and rebuild this city. It cant be done on human power alone. Pray especially to our Mother, who has always lovingly helped the country of Haiti.
I've often struggled with thoughts of why this had to happen to Haiti. Why God didn't spare them when He knows how much they already suffer. But I think God allowed this to happen to Haiti and not to any other country because He knows the resilience of the Haitian people. He knows their devout faith and knew it wouldn't be shaken by a traumatic event like this, but instead strengthened. He knew that the witness of the Haitians in the midst of unimaginable suffering would be a light to the world, to inspire a deeper faith in God. So please, pray with me for God's will to be done, for Him to continue to speak to the world through the Haitians, and for them to find peace and security, as we pray:
"Remember O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence we fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins. To thee to we cry, before thee do we stand sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not our petition, but in thy mercy hear and answer us. Amen."
Monday, July 12, 2010
Tout ti pwoblem sa..
I've had a rough few weeks. There have been many attacks on my heart lately, leading to confusion, indecision, and an all-around feeling of grouchiness. I don't handle suffering well. God knows that. Instead of offering it all back to Jesus in a spirit of silence and humility, I get frustrated and upset. Why is He making me go through this? When will it be over? I keep the suffering all to myself and let it affect my whole mood, much to the delight of the people around me, and try to block God out. I find myself saying "Not now God, I really don't want to talk to you right now. I love you, but I'm suffering. My heart isn't in the mood to pray."
This is the worst possible thing I could do. But it's a natural human response, and Jesus knows that. He loves us anyway, and will patiently wait until we feel ready to talk again. I'm not at that point yet, but I'm starting to get there. Writing this post is going to help. I needed to be reminded of the value of my suffering, of its purpose. Thank God I was blessed with a conversation that helped me to see just that. I was spending so much time being frustrated with God for allowing me to go through these trials that I didn't stop to think about why He is. God can use my suffering to bring about so many graces for all of the situations that I am struggling with. He's using it to purify my heart and to prepare it for greater struggles ahead.
I've always been strongly attracted to the 8th station of the Cross, where Jesus speaks to the weeping women. I've tried to figure out what Jesus wants to teach me through it. I think it's this: that even though He was suffering so much at this point, physically and emotionally, He still took the time to stop and serve the women. He could have kept walking with the Cross, could have irritably shooed them away when they came up to Him weeping. Instead, He gave them an important piece of spiritual advice, to weep not for Him but for themselves and their own sins, for they are what cased Him to suffer. Even at one of His most painful moments, Jesus still did more for others than for Himself. I need to learn how to do that, to look outside of my own suffering and focus on all of the people that Jesus is still calling me to serve in my daily life. This should be done in a spirit of joy. Jesus is always calling us to be joyful, to be a witness to others of the heavenly joy that comes out of serving Him and His Kingdom. This will attract others to the faith, for they will be curious and want to know where this joy comes from.
I keep being reminded of one of my favorite Haitian songs as I'm trying to figure out how to suffer gracefully. It goes like this:
Tout ti pwoblèm sa yo Jezi konnen yo
Mwen menm, mwen pa konnen yo
Ala m konnen Jezi se Sovè m alelouya
Gen yon jou m a delivre
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Dèt mwen yo peye deja
(leader: kilès ki peye)
Jezi peye, Jezi peye
Jezi peye, Jezi peye
Jezi peye
Dèt mwen yo peye deja
Roughly translated, it means: "All of those little problems, Jesus knows them, though I myself don't know them. But I do know that Jesus is my Savior alleluia, and one day He will deliver me. I don't have money to pay my debt, but it is already paid. Who pays? Jesus pays. My debt is already paid."
Jesus knows all of our struggles, all of our problems, all of our sufferings. But we should always rejoice because Jesus is our Savior and He paid the debt of our sins through suffering on the Cross. This is something that the Haitians continue to teach me- to have joy in the midst of suffering. Because we always have the joy and hope of the Resurrection, and should always rejoice in that no matter how much we are suffering on earth.
This is the worst possible thing I could do. But it's a natural human response, and Jesus knows that. He loves us anyway, and will patiently wait until we feel ready to talk again. I'm not at that point yet, but I'm starting to get there. Writing this post is going to help. I needed to be reminded of the value of my suffering, of its purpose. Thank God I was blessed with a conversation that helped me to see just that. I was spending so much time being frustrated with God for allowing me to go through these trials that I didn't stop to think about why He is. God can use my suffering to bring about so many graces for all of the situations that I am struggling with. He's using it to purify my heart and to prepare it for greater struggles ahead.
I've always been strongly attracted to the 8th station of the Cross, where Jesus speaks to the weeping women. I've tried to figure out what Jesus wants to teach me through it. I think it's this: that even though He was suffering so much at this point, physically and emotionally, He still took the time to stop and serve the women. He could have kept walking with the Cross, could have irritably shooed them away when they came up to Him weeping. Instead, He gave them an important piece of spiritual advice, to weep not for Him but for themselves and their own sins, for they are what cased Him to suffer. Even at one of His most painful moments, Jesus still did more for others than for Himself. I need to learn how to do that, to look outside of my own suffering and focus on all of the people that Jesus is still calling me to serve in my daily life. This should be done in a spirit of joy. Jesus is always calling us to be joyful, to be a witness to others of the heavenly joy that comes out of serving Him and His Kingdom. This will attract others to the faith, for they will be curious and want to know where this joy comes from.
I keep being reminded of one of my favorite Haitian songs as I'm trying to figure out how to suffer gracefully. It goes like this:
Tout ti pwoblèm sa yo Jezi konnen yo
Mwen menm, mwen pa konnen yo
Ala m konnen Jezi se Sovè m alelouya
Gen yon jou m a delivre
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Mwen pa gen lajan pou m peye
Dèt mwen yo peye deja
(leader: kilès ki peye)
Jezi peye, Jezi peye
Jezi peye, Jezi peye
Jezi peye
Dèt mwen yo peye deja
Roughly translated, it means: "All of those little problems, Jesus knows them, though I myself don't know them. But I do know that Jesus is my Savior alleluia, and one day He will deliver me. I don't have money to pay my debt, but it is already paid. Who pays? Jesus pays. My debt is already paid."
Jesus knows all of our struggles, all of our problems, all of our sufferings. But we should always rejoice because Jesus is our Savior and He paid the debt of our sins through suffering on the Cross. This is something that the Haitians continue to teach me- to have joy in the midst of suffering. Because we always have the joy and hope of the Resurrection, and should always rejoice in that no matter how much we are suffering on earth.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Our Lady of Guadalupe
So how does a Franciscan friary in the middle of nowhere, Our Lady of Guadalupe, a friar with a computer, and Creole mass all fit in together? Good question... I still can't believe it all happened!
This weekend I went camping with my family on a lake in very rural northeast Connecticut. As we were driving to get there, I was wondering what I was going to do about mass on Sunday because we wouldn't be leaving till later in the afternoon, too late to make it to any of the masses at our home parish. About 15 minutes away from the campsite, we passed a road that on top of the road sign had another sign that said Our Lady of Guadalupe. I sort of did a double take, not really sure if I had read it correctly. But this morning, I drove back to where I remembered it to be and sure enough, there it was. I turned on the road and expected to find a church not too far down it. Almost 10 minutes later, I was still driving. The road kept curving through dense woods, and at one point I hit a fork in the road. I decided to turn off to the right, not really sure where it would lead me. The road kept getting more and more remote, and I kept thinking that I should turn back. There's no way that a church would be all the way out here. I should have taken the other road, I'm sure it's down there. Just as I was about to turn around, I decided to go up one more hill and see what was up there. If it wasn't there, I was turning around. Well, sure enough, as soon as I rounded the corner I saw a sign with the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe on it. It was a Franciscan friary! Mary is so good to me, she deals with my constant impatience. Thank God she had me keep driving, otherwise I wouldn't have found it!
I pulled in to the driveway and saw a beautiful stone church with the friary attached. There were a few cars, but I didn't see anyone and wasn't sure if I should go in or not. I didn't know if it was a cloistered community and if they had masses open to the public. I was wishing there was someone outside to ask as I was putting the car in reverse, literally about to pull out, when I saw a little boy with blonde hair running around the grass next to the chapel. There was obviously no way that he was one of the friar's kids, so I knew there must be lay people here. I pulled into the parking lot and saw the boy's dad sitting next to a statue of Mary with another child. I asked him if there was mass going on, and he said there was! Mary saved me once again.
The chapel was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. It had tall cathedral ceilings with ornate woodwork everywhere. There was a large portrait of Our Lady of Guadalupe hanging on the wall behind the altar, and the wall was painted the color of her mantle with gold stars. There was a huge Divine Mercy portrait on one side of the chapel, and over the tabernacle on the other side was a big statue of Jesus and His Sacred Heart. He had one hand pulling away His tunic to reveal His heart and the other hand outstretched, as if inviting us all to come into His heart. There was even a spot light on the heart that made it glow with light. Jesus was calling me into His heart, and I was recieving His love. My heart was so peaceful here, so satisfied, so happy. The mass was a beautiful blend of the old and the new, but unfortunately I got there during the Consecration so didn't get to enjoy all of it.
After mass, I went up to one of the friars to introduce myself, and more importantly ask him if he thought I had fulfilled my Sunday requirement by coming so late, or if he thought I should try and find another mass to go to. He was so helpful and so kind, and grabbed his computer for me to help me see if there were any other masses in the area that I could still catch. We looked for about 15 minutes, and found one that would be on my way home, but that I might not have time to make it to. I decided that I had tried my hardest and would rather go sit in Adoration in the chapel for a little bit than try to rush to another mass so far away. I thanked the friar for everything and we both went separate ways. Then, about 15 minutes later, I was in the chapel having a beautiful conversation in my heart with Jesus when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the same friar from before, and he had a piece of paper in his hand. He whispered to me that he had found another church about 20 minutes away in Norwich that I would have enough time to get to, but that unfortunately the mass was in Creole.. I looked at him dumbfounded, and very excitedly told him that I did mission work in Haiti and that I know Creole! He laughed to himself with the same look of amazement that I had on my face. I have no clue why he continued to keep searching on the internet after I left, and why he decided to tell me about this mass when he probably thought that I would have no clue what Creole even was. It was Our Lady, I'm sure, saving me for the third time today.
I very quickly left Adoration (even though it was so peaceful and I didn't want to leave!) because I had to run back to the campsite and pack all of my stuff before I headed back down to Norwich. I ended up getting to mass very late again, at about the same point I did for the first one. I quietly snuck into the back pew and listened with joy as the small group of Haitians were praising in their native language, drums and all! I closed my eyes and really felt like I was in Haiti again, except for the fact that I was in a huge church with air conditioning and there were no roosters in the background.
I know that Our Lady of Guadalupe was watching over me today and gave me this wonderful gift of going to a Creole mass. She has interceeded for Mission Haiti so much since the earthquake and has blessed our mission in so many ways. I know that it was no coincidence that the friar decided to tell me about this mass as I was sitting in a chapel dedicated to her. Ave Maria!
P.S. The friars are part of the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate... they seem like such an awesome order with a beautiful devotion to Our Lady! Here's their website if you want to find out more about them: http://figuadalupe.wordpress.com/
This weekend I went camping with my family on a lake in very rural northeast Connecticut. As we were driving to get there, I was wondering what I was going to do about mass on Sunday because we wouldn't be leaving till later in the afternoon, too late to make it to any of the masses at our home parish. About 15 minutes away from the campsite, we passed a road that on top of the road sign had another sign that said Our Lady of Guadalupe. I sort of did a double take, not really sure if I had read it correctly. But this morning, I drove back to where I remembered it to be and sure enough, there it was. I turned on the road and expected to find a church not too far down it. Almost 10 minutes later, I was still driving. The road kept curving through dense woods, and at one point I hit a fork in the road. I decided to turn off to the right, not really sure where it would lead me. The road kept getting more and more remote, and I kept thinking that I should turn back. There's no way that a church would be all the way out here. I should have taken the other road, I'm sure it's down there. Just as I was about to turn around, I decided to go up one more hill and see what was up there. If it wasn't there, I was turning around. Well, sure enough, as soon as I rounded the corner I saw a sign with the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe on it. It was a Franciscan friary! Mary is so good to me, she deals with my constant impatience. Thank God she had me keep driving, otherwise I wouldn't have found it!
I pulled in to the driveway and saw a beautiful stone church with the friary attached. There were a few cars, but I didn't see anyone and wasn't sure if I should go in or not. I didn't know if it was a cloistered community and if they had masses open to the public. I was wishing there was someone outside to ask as I was putting the car in reverse, literally about to pull out, when I saw a little boy with blonde hair running around the grass next to the chapel. There was obviously no way that he was one of the friar's kids, so I knew there must be lay people here. I pulled into the parking lot and saw the boy's dad sitting next to a statue of Mary with another child. I asked him if there was mass going on, and he said there was! Mary saved me once again.
The chapel was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. It had tall cathedral ceilings with ornate woodwork everywhere. There was a large portrait of Our Lady of Guadalupe hanging on the wall behind the altar, and the wall was painted the color of her mantle with gold stars. There was a huge Divine Mercy portrait on one side of the chapel, and over the tabernacle on the other side was a big statue of Jesus and His Sacred Heart. He had one hand pulling away His tunic to reveal His heart and the other hand outstretched, as if inviting us all to come into His heart. There was even a spot light on the heart that made it glow with light. Jesus was calling me into His heart, and I was recieving His love. My heart was so peaceful here, so satisfied, so happy. The mass was a beautiful blend of the old and the new, but unfortunately I got there during the Consecration so didn't get to enjoy all of it.
After mass, I went up to one of the friars to introduce myself, and more importantly ask him if he thought I had fulfilled my Sunday requirement by coming so late, or if he thought I should try and find another mass to go to. He was so helpful and so kind, and grabbed his computer for me to help me see if there were any other masses in the area that I could still catch. We looked for about 15 minutes, and found one that would be on my way home, but that I might not have time to make it to. I decided that I had tried my hardest and would rather go sit in Adoration in the chapel for a little bit than try to rush to another mass so far away. I thanked the friar for everything and we both went separate ways. Then, about 15 minutes later, I was in the chapel having a beautiful conversation in my heart with Jesus when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the same friar from before, and he had a piece of paper in his hand. He whispered to me that he had found another church about 20 minutes away in Norwich that I would have enough time to get to, but that unfortunately the mass was in Creole.. I looked at him dumbfounded, and very excitedly told him that I did mission work in Haiti and that I know Creole! He laughed to himself with the same look of amazement that I had on my face. I have no clue why he continued to keep searching on the internet after I left, and why he decided to tell me about this mass when he probably thought that I would have no clue what Creole even was. It was Our Lady, I'm sure, saving me for the third time today.
I very quickly left Adoration (even though it was so peaceful and I didn't want to leave!) because I had to run back to the campsite and pack all of my stuff before I headed back down to Norwich. I ended up getting to mass very late again, at about the same point I did for the first one. I quietly snuck into the back pew and listened with joy as the small group of Haitians were praising in their native language, drums and all! I closed my eyes and really felt like I was in Haiti again, except for the fact that I was in a huge church with air conditioning and there were no roosters in the background.
I know that Our Lady of Guadalupe was watching over me today and gave me this wonderful gift of going to a Creole mass. She has interceeded for Mission Haiti so much since the earthquake and has blessed our mission in so many ways. I know that it was no coincidence that the friar decided to tell me about this mass as I was sitting in a chapel dedicated to her. Ave Maria!
P.S. The friars are part of the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate... they seem like such an awesome order with a beautiful devotion to Our Lady! Here's their website if you want to find out more about them: http://figuadalupe.wordpress.com/
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The Butterfly Circus
This short film, starring Eduardo Verastegui from Bella, was the main theme of Sean's camp this year. It has so many beautiful messages. Remember, you are magnificent just the way you are. God can create anything out of ashes- the greater the struggle, the greater the triumph. Whose circus do you belong to? Who do you perform for, Satan or Christ?
Watch it here online.
Watch it here online.
A Year In Review..
This past weekend I had the priviledge of being on team for Sean Forrest's Movin With the Spirit summer camp 2010. I've been going to this weekend retreat for 6 years now, and every year is unique. Sean's camp has had such an influence in my life.. as a camper, it taught me so much about the faith and opened my heart up to God's love. The past two years as a team member it opened up my heart even more, teaching me how to share God's love with others. My small group was made up of amazing young women who are all beautiful daughters of God, and I am so blessed to have had the chance to talk with them and share our hearts with each other.
My life has been such a rollercoaster since last year's camp. It was at camp last year that I had some amazing life-changing experiences, and started the journey of giving myself completely over to God. Something came alive within me last summer.. I found a peace and strength that is not my own. My faith skyrocketed and I found myself changing into the person that I had always longed to be, someone who says yes to God with my whole self and who is detached from this world. I still have a long way to go, but I know God will keep leading me down this path of trust. I am so thankful to Him for all of the things that He has done in my life, on no merit of my own, and rejoice in His blessings. It's amazing what He can do when you give Him the smallest amount of trust and allow Him to enter your heart. I must be such a poor servant of His, I mess up all the time and still have a lot of work to do, but I try my best each day and He uses me to the best of my ability.
It was at camp last year that I decided to leave Stonehill College, the place I had attended for my freshman year. I met some amazing people there and the thought of leaving them made me very sad, but God gave me a peace about it and I knew it was His will. I know He wanted me to go to a place where I would be supported in my faith, where I could grow in unimaginable ways. That place ended up being Franciscan University, but there was a place in-between where He wanted me to spend some time first, to prepare myself. This was the place where Sean's camp was being held- Holy Apostles College and Seminary. At first the thought of going to a tiny little college where I would have to commute to from home and be one of a few lay students surrounded by seminarians freaked me out. But God's plan is perfect for us. My semester at Holy Apostles ended up being just what I needed. I learned a lot of knowledge about the faith that prepared my mind for the classes I would be taking at Franciscan, but I also learned a lot that prepared my heart. By getting to know so many wonderful seminarians and religious sisters, my heart was opened up to the beauty of religious life. It calmed a lot of my fears about my own possible vocation which God was calling me to discern, and helped me understand it a lot better. Living at home allowed me to be there for my family during some very hard trials, and let me spend some quality time with my grandfather before he passed away. God taught me about suffering during this time, and how to give everything completely over to Him and trust in Him. It was a test, to see if I would still be as faithful when the spiritual highs were taken away and replaced by trials. I don't think I would have been able to handle all of the suffering that was put into my life without being surrounded by the peaceful environment of Holy Apostles.
After much indecision, I decided to take another leap of faith and transfer out to Franciscan for the spring semester. While God had hit me over the head and showed me clearly that I was meant to leave Stonehill, He was not so forthright in leading me to Franciscan. He was teaching me discernment, how to listen in my heart for His will and not expect it to come easy. As soon as I got to campus, however, I immediately felt a feeling of peace wash over me and I knew that I was in the right place. It was such a feeling of relief. However, this peaceful feeling didn't last very long. Within the first week of being out there, my grandpa was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the earthquake in Haiti happened. I was bombarded by more suffering, just when I thought I had reached the end of it. I was numb for a few days and didn't handle it too well, but I eventually found my way into the chapel and just poured out everything at the foot of the Cross. I knew this was a spiritual attack, to try and divert me off of the path that God was leading me on. I knew I was meant to be at Franciscan, and nothing was going to take me away from there, either physically or mentally. I united my sufferings with Jesus and let Him lead me. I grew so close to Him in prayer. I relied on Him for strength, to be able to focus on all of my schoolwork while everything else was going on. I knew God had placed me at Francsican during this time because I could recieve the Eucharist almost every day, sit in Adoration for two hours a week, and visit the chapel in my dorm whenever I wanted. I needed all of these graces to help me through, to keep my heart focused on God.
Lent was such a period of growth for me. It was like Jesus taught me a new thing every day. He allowed me to feel distant from everyone else so that I would grow closer to Him. One of the things I decided to do for Lent was say the Stations of the Cross every day. I had never said this prayer before, and God opened my eyes to so many things through it. The most important thing I learned was the endless love that God has for me. I had never allowed it into my heart before now, thinking I would be weak if I stopped working for the Kingdom for a moment and just let Him love me. But that is the furthest thing from the truth. I wanted to be like the saints, who I thought were so brave and heroic on their own strength. I thought if I accepted God's love, help, and mercy that I would be weaker than them. Boy, was I wrong. The secret of the saints is that they completely denied themselves and allowed God's love and mercy into their hearts. They did nothing on their own strength, but let Christ work through them. Once I understood this, my heart burst open. I experienced God's love in such a profound way- it would bring me to tears while sitting before the Blessed Sacrament. His love is so great that our human minds cannot even begin to wrap our minds around it. By meditating on the Passion every day, I came to know that it was the greatest act of love that Christ could show us. The weight of our sins caused Him to fall three times while carrying the cross, but His love for us was never diminished. When we ourselves fall into sin, He is waiting to help us back up and continue walking on the path. We can't do it on our own strength.
With the springtime and end of Lent came a newfound joy within me. I started becoming closer with so many amazing people, and my heart felt lighter. I wouldn't have been so appreciative of this joy if I hadn't experienced everything I did during the winter. I am so thankful for all of my sufferings, because they taught me so much and without them I wouldn't have the relationship with Jesus Christ that I do today. I also can't forget the Blessed Mother. I consecrated myself to her last summer, and without her constant love and intercession I wouldn't have been able to get through this year. She is so beautiful, and only wants to lead us to her Son. She is such a huge part of my life and I pray every day for her to grace me with her most holy virtues. She is such a beautiful example of purity, obedience, submission, and humility. My heart feels so whole, so fulfilled, because our hearts are restless until they rest in Christ. Everything that has happened this year, the good and the bad, happened because I trusted in God. I tried my best to give Him control of my life and let Him lead me, even though there were many times when I resisted. The key is asking Him for help. We can't do it on our own. You only have to open up your heart a crack, and He will do the rest.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
My life has been such a rollercoaster since last year's camp. It was at camp last year that I had some amazing life-changing experiences, and started the journey of giving myself completely over to God. Something came alive within me last summer.. I found a peace and strength that is not my own. My faith skyrocketed and I found myself changing into the person that I had always longed to be, someone who says yes to God with my whole self and who is detached from this world. I still have a long way to go, but I know God will keep leading me down this path of trust. I am so thankful to Him for all of the things that He has done in my life, on no merit of my own, and rejoice in His blessings. It's amazing what He can do when you give Him the smallest amount of trust and allow Him to enter your heart. I must be such a poor servant of His, I mess up all the time and still have a lot of work to do, but I try my best each day and He uses me to the best of my ability.
It was at camp last year that I decided to leave Stonehill College, the place I had attended for my freshman year. I met some amazing people there and the thought of leaving them made me very sad, but God gave me a peace about it and I knew it was His will. I know He wanted me to go to a place where I would be supported in my faith, where I could grow in unimaginable ways. That place ended up being Franciscan University, but there was a place in-between where He wanted me to spend some time first, to prepare myself. This was the place where Sean's camp was being held- Holy Apostles College and Seminary. At first the thought of going to a tiny little college where I would have to commute to from home and be one of a few lay students surrounded by seminarians freaked me out. But God's plan is perfect for us. My semester at Holy Apostles ended up being just what I needed. I learned a lot of knowledge about the faith that prepared my mind for the classes I would be taking at Franciscan, but I also learned a lot that prepared my heart. By getting to know so many wonderful seminarians and religious sisters, my heart was opened up to the beauty of religious life. It calmed a lot of my fears about my own possible vocation which God was calling me to discern, and helped me understand it a lot better. Living at home allowed me to be there for my family during some very hard trials, and let me spend some quality time with my grandfather before he passed away. God taught me about suffering during this time, and how to give everything completely over to Him and trust in Him. It was a test, to see if I would still be as faithful when the spiritual highs were taken away and replaced by trials. I don't think I would have been able to handle all of the suffering that was put into my life without being surrounded by the peaceful environment of Holy Apostles.
After much indecision, I decided to take another leap of faith and transfer out to Franciscan for the spring semester. While God had hit me over the head and showed me clearly that I was meant to leave Stonehill, He was not so forthright in leading me to Franciscan. He was teaching me discernment, how to listen in my heart for His will and not expect it to come easy. As soon as I got to campus, however, I immediately felt a feeling of peace wash over me and I knew that I was in the right place. It was such a feeling of relief. However, this peaceful feeling didn't last very long. Within the first week of being out there, my grandpa was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the earthquake in Haiti happened. I was bombarded by more suffering, just when I thought I had reached the end of it. I was numb for a few days and didn't handle it too well, but I eventually found my way into the chapel and just poured out everything at the foot of the Cross. I knew this was a spiritual attack, to try and divert me off of the path that God was leading me on. I knew I was meant to be at Franciscan, and nothing was going to take me away from there, either physically or mentally. I united my sufferings with Jesus and let Him lead me. I grew so close to Him in prayer. I relied on Him for strength, to be able to focus on all of my schoolwork while everything else was going on. I knew God had placed me at Francsican during this time because I could recieve the Eucharist almost every day, sit in Adoration for two hours a week, and visit the chapel in my dorm whenever I wanted. I needed all of these graces to help me through, to keep my heart focused on God.
Lent was such a period of growth for me. It was like Jesus taught me a new thing every day. He allowed me to feel distant from everyone else so that I would grow closer to Him. One of the things I decided to do for Lent was say the Stations of the Cross every day. I had never said this prayer before, and God opened my eyes to so many things through it. The most important thing I learned was the endless love that God has for me. I had never allowed it into my heart before now, thinking I would be weak if I stopped working for the Kingdom for a moment and just let Him love me. But that is the furthest thing from the truth. I wanted to be like the saints, who I thought were so brave and heroic on their own strength. I thought if I accepted God's love, help, and mercy that I would be weaker than them. Boy, was I wrong. The secret of the saints is that they completely denied themselves and allowed God's love and mercy into their hearts. They did nothing on their own strength, but let Christ work through them. Once I understood this, my heart burst open. I experienced God's love in such a profound way- it would bring me to tears while sitting before the Blessed Sacrament. His love is so great that our human minds cannot even begin to wrap our minds around it. By meditating on the Passion every day, I came to know that it was the greatest act of love that Christ could show us. The weight of our sins caused Him to fall three times while carrying the cross, but His love for us was never diminished. When we ourselves fall into sin, He is waiting to help us back up and continue walking on the path. We can't do it on our own strength.
With the springtime and end of Lent came a newfound joy within me. I started becoming closer with so many amazing people, and my heart felt lighter. I wouldn't have been so appreciative of this joy if I hadn't experienced everything I did during the winter. I am so thankful for all of my sufferings, because they taught me so much and without them I wouldn't have the relationship with Jesus Christ that I do today. I also can't forget the Blessed Mother. I consecrated myself to her last summer, and without her constant love and intercession I wouldn't have been able to get through this year. She is so beautiful, and only wants to lead us to her Son. She is such a huge part of my life and I pray every day for her to grace me with her most holy virtues. She is such a beautiful example of purity, obedience, submission, and humility. My heart feels so whole, so fulfilled, because our hearts are restless until they rest in Christ. Everything that has happened this year, the good and the bad, happened because I trusted in God. I tried my best to give Him control of my life and let Him lead me, even though there were many times when I resisted. The key is asking Him for help. We can't do it on our own. You only have to open up your heart a crack, and He will do the rest.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
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