Last night I was supposed to be dancing on a roof in Haiti, with a kid in my arms and joy in my heart. I was supposed to ring in the new year not with the ball in NYC, but under the dazzling light of the stars that make heaven seem so close. I was supposed to wake up to the sound of goats and children squealing, giving the country hope that maybe this year will be better than the last.
But God had a different plan.
Instead, I enjoyed New Years Eve in the comfort of a heated home with some old friends, watching the ball drop on TV. We then took a walk in the morning down to the beach, soaking in the unusual warmth of the sunshine for a January morning and just enjoying the beauty around us. It was quiet. It was low-key. It wasn't Haiti. But God's plan is always perfect, and I have to thank Him for that.
I have no doubt that God at least called me to give my "yes" to this trip being planned. There were so many things stacked against it from the start- I would only have 10 days between my return from Haiti and the start of my semester in Austria, I would miss out on key time with my family before going to Europe for 4 months, and I would use money I could have saved for travelling. But I kept feeling this call to go- the purpose wasn't clear, but I knew I had to say yes.
Then came the cholera. Not just a few cases, but an epidemic. As it spread more and more throughout the island, the chances of our trip happening looked slim to none. Still, I retained a determination within me to go. My family didn't understand. How could I risk my health, my life, before embarking on one of the most exciting semesters of my life? How could I risk dying when I could simply go another time? How could I so boldly risk my life at all, when they loved me and couldn't stand losing me? They were tough questions. And I couldn't fully answer them. Was I just being selfish? I know part of me was. But the majority of me just wanted to serve Christ according to His will. And if that meant respectfully going against my family's wishes, then I trusted He would give me the strength to do it. To be caught between family and reckless abandonment to Christ is a tough line to balance. I'm still not completely sure of it. But I continued with my desire to go, and decided I would until Christ told me otherwise.
After a few weeks, the cholera situation seemed to be improving. Our trip was back on. The period of uncertainty proved to be a blessing to me, letting me re-evaluate my reasons for going and purifying my intentions. It also strengthened my prayer life and my attempts to fast, and helped me grow evermore in trust. I finally even felt some clarity on my purpose for going. I kept hearing the word rejoice over and over in my head. My purpose was to rejoice with the Haitians and help give them hope for a new year. Ok God, now I can go right? The wait is over? Wrong. The second week of December Haiti held a presidential election. There was widespread corruption in the polls, leading all hell to break loose in Port-Au-Prince in the forms of riots, burnings, road blocks, and just all-around violence.
Ok God, just another hiccup. We'll get through this. Obviously, the requests from family and friends not to go just about doubled. But I wasn't going to let them make my decision. I placed it all in the hands of God. It was up to Him. I wasn't going to let fear keep me from doing His will and serving His people. I continued with this sense of abandonment and trust up until the week before we were supposed to leave, when the final decision came to cancel the trip. Of course I was sad, but I also knew that it was the right decision.
I think that it was so perfect that the time leading up to this trip was during Advent. My discernment taught me trust, abandonment, and flexibility. These are all things that Mary and Joseph experienced during her pregnancy and the birth of Jesus- trust in God's plan, abandonment to His will, and flexibility when the plans all changed several times. A few years ago, those two weeks before the trip when I didn't know if we were going or not would have given me an ulcer. But I was so calm, so trusting, all thanks to grace. I didn't worry about it. I knew He would tell me in His time. This time of waiting, even though the answer might be disappointing, was very proper for Advent. So I am thankful.
I saw this in the January Magnificat and thought it was totally appropriate: "Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton's path took many unexpected turnings because she followed God's will rather than her own. What matters most is that the path God chose took her to Him." So while it was my will that I spend New Years rejoicing in Haiti, God took me on a curvy path to find His will. The path He chooses always leads us to Him.
So, Happy New Years everyone! May 2011 bring you untold graces and blessings that fill your heart with peace and joy. And let's all pray for Haiti, that they can find continued healing in 2011 from all of the destruction of 2010. May Mary, the Mother of God (whose feast day is today!) protect every nation under her loving mantle and lead us all closer to her Son in worship and adoration.
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